Yesterday it was almost 60 degrees...today there is sleet and snow on the ground. My feet are cold and I hate to have my feet cold. This evening has been spent with the family. We had chicken noodle soup, milk shakes for dessert, made by Brooklyn, working on school projects and watching the first Harry Potter movie. A great evening. Unfortunately, the day started with a huge migraine that I could not get rid of. I spent the morning trying to get rid of it, it finally let up enough for me to function late morning. 

Also, this evening, I have been trying to finalize our plans for vacation. I have to tell you that I have not been too excited about it so far, but the closer I get and the more plans that I confirm the more I am excited. I am excited to see the History of our Nation in Washington DC. We are also hoping to plan a day trip to New York City while we are that close. The train ride is a little less than 3 hours. But I think it would be amazing to go. 

Well, the snow is still falling. I hope that the kids can go to school tomorrow. They are not going to want to go in June when the pools are open and it is warm outside. Hopefully the snow will stop soon and they will get it all cleaned up before in the morning. 

There is something pretty exciting about marking things off of your  to do list. You know that feeling when you accomplish something, no matter how big or small. I am trying to focus more on what I can mark off of the list instead of all the things that go on my list. You should know that isn't always easy, because frankly most days more goes on than comes off. However, today I am marking a few things off the list and feeling pretty good about it. That doesn't change that the list is really long or that I still have more to do, it only reminds me that I am doing something. 

I don't know if you are watching the news or not these days but the world is in chaos all around us. Both here in the good ole USA and abroad. I do not know what all of it means and I try to stay as far away as I can from politics but it seems like there is a lot of things that are a mess. It makes me stop and think about what scriptures say and how sad the heart of God must be. I am not a doom and gloom type of person but it does make me ask some questions of myself. Am I doing everything in my power to lead people to God? Am I doing everything in my power to lead my kids, those I love and those in my neighborhood? Would my life reflect Christ to those who are looking on? I might be the only Jesus some people see and that is scary. I am pretty messed up, broken and flawed. Do I mark devotions and prayer off my to do list as a chore or do I really understand the power and intentionality that I need to be in prayer. Would my priorities , check book,  and life style reflect that I am following Christ with all that I am? I don't want to just be a Christ Follower in words but I want my whole life to reflect that. 


Again, I know that many times I have screwed up. No one is more aware of that than I am. I just don't want to go through this life lukewarm for Christ. I don't want those I love to miss out on Heaven because of me. I know ultimately everyone makes that choice but am I doing my part? Am I parenting in such away that communicates Christ to my kids? Do they know and understand that Jesus loves them so much more than I could ever put into words? Do they get that being good isn't enough but falling in Love with Jesus will bring you more than you could hope for imagine? 

These are the rambling questions that play over and over in my head today. As good as marking things off of my to do list feels, I want to make sure that my motivation for what I do is what it is suppose to be. 

Dear Lord, today I ask that you would help me see your to do list. That every minute, every dime, every word would be what you would have me say and do. Lord, that you would clearly show me the path that I am to walk. I pray also that you would forgive me for those times I let myself get in the way of doing what is right and godly. Help me to practice self discipline, patience and love today. In your name I pray! Amen 

I read Proverbs 22 today...a lot of great things to think about. 

I was listening to this song tonight, by Lincoln Brewster called Amazed. I don't know about you but I can't wrap my mind around the greatness of God's love for me. With all the junk, all the brokenness, all the failures and shortcomings, he loves us. Not just in some far away hands off way but personal intimate. This morning we talked about God the Father in church, and how he refers to himself as Father to show us that he is personal. He is just not the creator of the universe, but he is Abba Father. He is personal. In January I stood with my toes in the ocean while I was in Florida, and I was overwhelmed with the vastness of the ocean. I can't see the end of it, I don't know how deep it is, and as I stood there with my toes emerged in the water, I could only think about how I can't grasp the love of God. It is so big, unmeasurable. This song talks about how deep and wide, and great is His love for me...I can't grasp it, I know I don't deserve it, but he still loves me. Frankly sometimes, as I sing about God or I read scripture i doubt. My human emotions and thinking take over. Am I amazed at God? Is he all I need? As I go through this journey I realize that God is the only thing I have. And every once in a while I lose track of that. I try to fix things that I have no business trying to fix, for one I don't have the power, the know how or the stamina. When I get to the place, i fall at the feet of Jesus and let him do the fixing then I truly find healing and rest. I also realize again that healing takes time, and it is hard work, and it requires laying down everything you have and allowing God to work through every detail, every memory, every aspect of your life. He holds our world in his hands, and nothing is impossible for him, we just have to willing to let him work through

I was just looking at the window. The sun is setting, the sky is pink, blue, a little red and orange, and against the blanket of snow it is simply beautiful. The last rays of sunshine are fading for the day. I have been as you know doing a lot of reflecting, and even though some of the reflections I would do just about anything not to reflect on, i know, I think, deep down that it is for my good. I am learning ever so slowly that healthy takes times and healthy thinking doesn't come easy. We have to let the old habits go and form new ones. 

It is also good to remember that no matter where we are on the journey to healthy, God is already there. He is already working on the solution, he is all ready to hold us, and whisper in our ear " I love you". Again, I mention the book "Heaven is for real" you should read it. It is amazing. But there is a point in the book where the dad is crying out to God to save his son. He is angry, he is hurt, he is sad. Later he realizes in that moment of being completely real and raw with God, Jesus was holding his son in his lap. God is holding us, we might as well be real with him about who and what we are. What we are feeling and all the rest...because in those moments, he is holding us. He is already answering. 


When it all seems upside down, I just have to remember that I am being held. you are being held. No matter what we face, God is already there. 

More snow, more cold weather, more dark dreary days. More days when you wish the sun would shine and it would creep above freezing. Winter seems to be lasing a really long time. I know I live in Kansas, and well winter happens, we should expect it but sometimes even if the results are what we expect we somehow wish they were different. It seems like winter is lasting too long in my heart too. Those days I wish the sun would shine and it doesn't. 

I read this on another blog today I liked it so I am going to share it not as my own but borrowed. " Here’s the thing. I’m processing so many things. I feel like the dryer of my soul has been tumbling my thought laundry constantly for the last few days (weeks?). And things in there are getting HOT." 

 That is what it feels like right now. I am processing so much that I don't really know how to process anymore. I mean some of the tumbling has jarred loose some pretty old junk to review. I would like to stop the tumbling. 

This is a public document, people read it, so not all of the jarring and tumbling can be written, at least not here. It is being written in a journal for me and God to look at together. 

Today, it snowed....again! It is cold again....but in just a few short days the temp is suppose to rise to 50 degrees. I can hardly wait. 

My thoughts are random to say the least these days...I can't seem to keep up with their own going roller coaster rides,  classic novel rampant and so forth. I mean really sometimes I wish I had a pause or stop button I could click and my mind would come to a stand still or at least take a break. But at last, it does not. So the mind is running. 

I don't even really know where to start. as you know I have been on this journey of healing over the last few months. Brokenness is a crazy things. It has a way of showing it up when you least expected and wondered why it shows up when it does. I have been looking every emotion, every thought and critically trying to figure out why and what makes me tick. Its so funny to be almost 34 and just now looking at things in perhaps a healthy manner to figure out who is Gina and why did God create me the way he did. With all of my faults, gifts, and experiences- to bring me here to this place? God is obviously  God, so he sees the whole picture while I have only this little peek hole into which I gaze. Frankly sometimes I wish he would expand my view but I know that will not help- because I am human- I could not understand all that he does. so I have to trust...Trust God to know that he know what he is doing...even when perhaps it makes no sense to me. 

So the journey continues...one day, one minute, one step at time. Some days it is easy to take every step while others we struggle with getting out of bed. Life is made up of good moments and not so good. I try to remember that in the not so good is when we realize how human we are and how much we need God. And you should know- I do need him. There isn't one minute that I don't need him guiding me, directing me and sometimes just holding me. I am so glad that no matter what he is still our Father and father's love to hold their children.

I just read the book Heaven is for real- highly recommend it. But as I read it I realize that God is involved in every part of my life. Those moments when I cry out to him because I am angry or hurt or sad, he is listening but not just listening but working on the solution. I love that. 

So today, on my journey I am resting on the lap of my Heavenly Father. Knowing that I do not fully understand everything but I am open to his healing in my life. That his grace will fill every aspect of my life today. Like the song says " morning by morning new mercies I see- all I have needed his hand hath provided, Great is thy faithfulness...) learning to trust him. more and more.....

My mind is a crazy place... I mean really. It seems like everything needs to be processed differently and more effectively these days. I can't just come up with exactly what my thoughts are on any given subject because I feel the need to really think through it before I open my mouth. Maybe this comes with growing up and honestly becoming wiser. Or maybe this comes out of being paranoid. Whatever the case I find myself very reflective. I am struggling with this new way of thinking...frankly it is causing me to lose sleep. And I already don't sleep much as it is. I wouldn't say i am worrying about things, because really it isn't like that. I just seem to be processing them in much more detail...weighing pros and cons. To everything. It really is annoying. Sometimes my thoughts are so messed up I struggle to know if they are real or just emotions. which leads me to the processing further to see if I can sort out what they are.  Sometimes when you realize that things will never be the way you thought they would be you have to process what and how they are. I think this is healthy, it helps you heal what needs to be healed and it also helps you grieve what needs to be grieved. Then it helps you understand what the normal is in your life. What you can live with and what you can't. 

I know this post is random and may leave us asking more questions, but that is okay...questions are good. My thoughts are an ocean tonight. some pretty deep, others chopping, and others far away...working through all the stuff to be the Gina God called me to be.