This week, this month, this year has been heavy. Today I look out the window and I realize that sometimes all I see is the gray, the rain, the dark clouds. I don't really see that the rain is literally quenching the thirst of the trees, the flowers, the grass. that the rain replenishes the water supply, so that I might drink. The coolness of the day reminds us how much we enjoy the heat of sun on our face. Do we see...do we really see what is going on when we look? Sometimes I look at the muck around me and I just see frankly the muck...How much time to waste worrying about the muck, and waiting for something better, that I miss what is right in front of me? The blessings, the quenching of the thirst, the replenishing of my soul because I do not see with the vision that I should see through. Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. 1 Corinthians 13:12

I guess that is how it feels today, that I see things so imperfectly. I am puzzled, perplexed, hurt and sad but someday I will see with perfect clarity. The whole picture will finally come into focus. I am learning that sometimes what I think is bad, it actually for my good. And if I had not encountered what ever i dread, I would not see what God had for me. He is working it all together for his good. I am thankful. I am thankful for his saving grace, his lap to crawl up on to and his holding me in the midst of the rain. 

I know the title is weird...you are probably already going "huh?" It just like that, there seems to be always stress in our lives. No matter what we do to keep it at bay, stress has a way of creeping up on us...I am finding that no matter how hard I try stress is always around us. And trying to keep it at bay sometimes is difficult, that is where quiet evenings and ice cream comes in. Tonight, Jason and I ended up with a quiet evening just the two of us for about 2 hours. It was great. We were able to take it easy, go to the grocery store and refill the cabinets with food ( since Colton declared there was no food in the house today) Then off to pick up kids from youth group. Now we are waiting for the girls to get done with play practice. 

I decided today that I am ready for summer. I know it means that the kids will be home everyday, but I am ready for them to have some down time with no school work to worry about, and just to be kids...playing having fun and chilaxion. I am struggling with school for the kids right now. Praying that God will give me wisdom and I will do what is right for them. 

I am still grateful tonight for all the ways that God has taken care of us...even when we don't deserve him too. I am trying to be thankful for all the things that God has given me. I am thankful for sunshine, and fresh flowers, and cold milk. There are many things to be grateful for...

Today I spent the day with my granny! Yep it was a great day. I love her. She made me laugh. She told me things I know she has told me before...but I wrote them down today so I wouldn't forget. She also told me she was proud of me, and she was pretty sure Papa would be way proud of me. That made my day. It also just about made me bawl my eyes out. I didn't. I waited until I pulled away from the nursing home as I was leaving. She told me today that she had a whole lot of living left to do so she was going to do whatever she needed to to be able to go home again. I believe she will. The PT people told her she was spunky. She did exactly what they told her and even impressed them. It was a great day. I enjoyed my time with her so much. Even it was just a few hours setting by her bed in the nursing home. 

This week there is a lot to do, but there is no better way to start the week than spending time with her. I will finish another class this week and will begin the last class of my degree....Yea! Then I will take the summer off and then begin again in the fall...

I loved my day! Grateful....

I am amazed at what a difference a year can make. This time last year I preached for the first time at BreakPointe. And today I preached for the third Sunday in a row. I would have never guessed or dreamed that God would have called me to this. And yet I cannot imagine now doing anything else. This mother's day I am beyond blessed to parent my 4 beautiful children. I cannot believe how grown up they are getting. I have been remembering all of my mother's day with them. And Kailyn still gives me hand drawn art, coupons to cash in for things like hugs, emptying the dishwasher and etc...the others do still tell me they love me and give me hugs. I watch as they begin to grow and mature and I am so proud of them. My life is so much better than I dreamed when I was "planning" out my life growing up. I knew I always wanted to be a mommy- and what a joy that is! I knew I always wanted to a wife- and I love being Jason's wife. He is my greatest gift and I thank God for him everyday. And then to be called to Ministry and do ministry every week with Jason is just icing on the cake. It is literally WOW! There are days it all seems overwhelming but I know that God is holding me up and working things out that are even better than I can dream up. Happy Mother's day! 

This blog comes from my heart. That place I don't go very often but should. This blog will detail my complete and total respect, love, admiration and gratitude for one very special lady. My Granny. Granny probably spanked me more than either of my parents combined. She allowed me to crawl into her bed every morning very early before I went to school. She also made me a grilled cheese sandwich and vegetable soup almost every day after school. But most of all she let me crawl up in her lap and she would rock me and sing "Michael row your boat to shore..." I can still hear her singing that song to me. I can still smell her perfume. She rocked me until my legs touched the ground. She told my papa he spoiled me ( which he did) but she did too. She prayed over me and for me. She loved me truly unconditionally. 

Today, she moves from the hospital to a Nursing home. And I can not express with words what is in my heart. As I write tears stream down my cheeks, and my heart aches. She the strong woman I have always known can no longer take care of herself. The strong woman that held me when I could not hold myself, needs to be held now. I know that this is really hard on my aunt Aletha, who day in and day out over the last few years has been the one to take care of her. And my cousins Shelley and Jeff who have watched her get sick. I am grateful for you all. I am praying for you all! 

And even though I know Granny won't be reading this, this is to her- 
Granny, I don't even know where to start- you are such a great example of what a godly woman should be. You have taught me so much about being a wife, a mom, a woman after God's own heart, that I can't put it all into words. You are my hero! I wish that I could bring you home with me and I could now take care of you like you took care of me all those years. I regret that I have not spent more time with you. I hope that you know that I love you and I am so grateful that God gave you to me. I know that your prayers have seen me through many things in my life. and I thank you for never giving up. I can only hope that you and Papa both are so proud of me now. I love you! I love you! I love you! Happy Mother's day! 

I keep hearing the words to the song You love me anyway but Sidewalk Prophets. And one of the lines says " i am Judas' kiss, but you loved me anyway." Seriously can't get that out of my mind. How many times have i betrayed the Lord. Was it with my kiss, with my words, with my actions, with my lack of self control, lack of commitment. Whatever the case I know that I have been that kiss. I have grieved the heart of God. He trusted me with His mission and I have betrayed him. I have been doing a lot of soul searching over the last few months. Then over the last 4 weeks have been doing a study on the Book Made to Crave. And God continues to till the earth of my soul and bring up things that I need to change about me. He wants me to be solid from the inside out not the outside in. So that I can withstand the pressure of life. 

I can say that I have been changing the way I think. ( Please don't tell Pastor Tom- he is always telling me to change the way I think and I always roll my eyes when he says that) But God has been working on my inside. showing me the areas in which he is requiring me to change. He has been showing me that it is more than a want too but it is willingness to address those things in our lives that need God to take care. Learning to trust his strength not our own. I know that many times I operate on my own strength and my own know how. I am learning to surrender control to him. I am not there yet but I am working on it. 

I preached Sunday and I have to tell you I was not nervous at all. I have finally got to the place where I knew what I was going to say was straight from the Heart of God. That he had given me his words and I couldn't wait to share them. It was a God confidence, nothing to do with me or my ability but everything to do with HIM! 

He is revealing himself more and more to me. I also know that he is revealing more and more of me. trusting him to work on me and through me is a freeing place to be- because I know that he loves me. He is doing it for my good. In the study Made to Crave- Lysa said last week "Nothing will taste as good as peace feels" I have tweaked that a little bit this week and have said "Nothing feels, tastes, or looks as good as peace feels" When I am making healthy choices, it doesn't matter if it was I eat, what I spend my money on or how I act, nothing feels as good as knowing that I am making God honoring choices. I am not relying on me but relying on HIM! He is the one that can make a difference in me! And I am thankful. 

The journey continues, I am learning to trust, learning to be healthy, and learning that no matter what God Loves me! Below is the whole song of "you love me anyway" By sidewalk prophets. 
The question was raised
As my conscience fell
A silly, little lie
It didn’t mean much
But it lingers still
In the corners of my mind

Still you call me to walk
On the edge of this world
To spread my dreams and fly
But the future’s so far
My heart is so frail
I think I’d rather stay inside

But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
How You love me

It took more than my strength
To simply be still
To seek but never find
All the reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And why do loved ones have to die?

But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me

I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway

See now, I am the man that called out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then, I turned away with this smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life

But You love me anyway
Oh, God… how you love me

You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me

You love me, You love me
You love me, You love me
How You love me
How You love me
How You love me