I have spent the last 2 and half years working towards my degree in Pastoral Ministries through Indiana Wesleyan University. And when I started I was confident it was the path that I was to travel. My journey has been complex to say the least but there was assurance that I was on the right path. However, in the last 3 weeks I have faced some huge obstacles. First of all, the chance of graduation is slime right now- this reality is almost more than I can take. It feels like one more failure in a long line of other failures in my life. My thought was graduation in August- take the fall off and start back up in January. But Kansas has recently changed their educational laws and it seems that unless I begin another program right away with IWU I can no longer be a student there- which means, finding another program- in Kansas, means more money for tuition and presents other challenges...It seems like roadblocks. So I ask are the roadblocks a sign from God- are they something else? I don't know. I am praying and seeking God. I need clear direction. These decisions are not made lightly, my whole family is effected by these choices- I came across this verse today- and I have to tell you I don't spend too much time reading in this book of the bible but this verse is what I needed today. Zephaniah 3:17    The LORD your God is in your midst,   a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness;   he will quiet you by his love;  he will exult over you with loud singing.'  I love what that says- He will quiet Gina by his love- He will rejoice over Gina with gladness. He is in my midst!  I am praying for a miracle and that I will be able to graduate. I will not know that until the end of next week. I am praying that God will show me if I have somehow missed what he wanted from me and will show me the next step. I am praying that God will give me a strength that I do not have now- because mine is gone. 

I blog because I love to write. I blog because sometimes expressing feelings is better through written words but what happens when you have to be guarded even in expressing your feelings? The open to the public becomes a monkey in the zoo type feeling. Like if you share too much someone else might get hurt, if you share too little people will assume its you in whom you are referring. Maybe just maybe it isn't about anyone maybe its just food for thought, maybe it is more about getting out the thoughts in my head and less about you? Maybe that sounds harsh but I have found that feelings and words are tricky business. Today I listen to a friend tell me about the divorce she is going through- it wasn't about me- it was about her, her raw feelings. Today, I listen as we discussed the kids and how they were doing. Today I heard how people I really don't know talked about me and my family. Why? I guess because they don't have anything better to do with their time- it doesn't make sense. As you know I love Facebook- except recently I noticed that facebook makes me sad. It makes me sad to see how people treat others- how families treat others in their families different than they do others. It makes me want to cry- or scream or both.  It makes me realize that people have exceptions of people that they do not have for themselves. I am amazed at the amount of people who say to me - Gina you are too busy, we can never get together, and yet if we do get together, it is because I being the busy one, invite them over. I am counting the days until my school work is done. I have spent the last 2+ years working my tail off and now I am within 20 days and I am flunking 2 classes. It doesn't make sense to me. How I have gone from all A's with the exception of 3 B+'s this whole time to flunking. It could  cause me not to graduate- which will be depressing...however I am praying that by some miracle I will skim by. 
I have been asking the question what I have done to some people to literally make them hate ( okay hate might be a strong word) but dislike me and in return miss out on the lives of my kids. I ask the question if we are all followers of Christ like we claim then why the division? Why is it me against you? my church against your church? my ministry against yours? Isnt' it all God's? I am far from perfect- oh my- my failures are literally staring me in the face as we speak- but aren't we all in some way or another? Don't we all need the grace and mercy that God gives us freely? I struggle with that. Because I know I don't deserve that grace and as  result I struggle with accepting it. 

Its true, my life is a roller coaster. It goes from way up high to a fast drop off to spinning me upside down. I am ready for the roller coaster of life to slow down, and it is about too. 34 more days and I will be done with school. 34 more days and I will have completed my associate degree in Christian Ministries. 34 more days and one part of my life will slow down. I cannot tell you how excited I am. I really wanted to start my Bachelor degree in the fall, but now I am rethinking that. I am tired. And I need to get off of this roller coaster for a while to refresh and refill.