i am finding that I am praying for wisdom a lot these days. Wisdom on how to raise a growing family, wisdom on being a pastor, wisdom on how to handle our finances, wisdom on school. This has been a pretty stressful couple of months. My school load right now seems overbearing, and as I think about dropping this class and having a 5 week break, I wonder is that really the right thing. I ask for wisdom, I pray for wisdom- It seems like if i could just breathe...If I could just catch my breathe for one minute, think clearly then I would know what direction I should go. Creating those spaces where we just seek clarity for the next step. Been studying the books of Paul, we focused on Timothy and Titus in our last week of class, and I was struck with the huge responsibility it was  and is to be a leader. Paul was encouraging these 2 young leaders. Paul gave some standards for leadership in these books. I read them, then I reread them. As I read them over and over- God was speaking. Are there areas I need to improve- yes- it was convicting. So I have been praying that God would show which step to take first- because there are areas- not just area- which means we have a lot of work to do. God and I. The thing is, the work doesn't scare Him, It terrifies me. But he is prepared. Just waiting for me to be the willing participant. Then it comes the work- change- I have to make changes. I have to practice self-control and self discipline. I have to be willing to practice the spiritual disciplines that I need to, to be in the place God can work and speak... Seeking wisdom- seeking solitude. Everything I do I want to be pleasing and God honoring. Every conversation, every interaction is God shining through? Is that not how we are suppose to live. Wisdom of the how raise kids in a very broken culture. A culture that screams at them their worth is found in how they  look and  what success they obtain. A culture that shows them multiple images a day of sex, violence and other things that are not true or godly. These are my kids- their very souls- there is a battle raging for victory over them. What to I do to win this battle? This battle is fought on my knees. This battle requires wisdom as we say yes to this activity, no to this show or movie or game, yes to this relationship no to the other. Guarding our children from the arrows that will most definitely be thrown at them. Preparing them to stand on their own when they have to face the arrows by themselves. Giving them a firm foundation to stand on when the storms roll all around them. Wisdom- yes I am seeking a lot of wisdom right now. James 1:5 " If you need wisdom,ask our generous God, and he will give it to you.  He will  not rebuke you for asking.But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God Alone." See- we just have to ask. It sounds so easy. The second part says that will give it to us. I think it left out a part- when will he give it to us? Again, I say, I am seeking wisdom. I am praying every day- some days every hour or minute for wisdom, direction. Here is the thing I have learned though- sometimes I can find wisdom, by simply picking up the Word. Some of the things we seek wisdom for are outlined His love story to us. So today, I continue on my journey with God, seeking him, being willing to do the hard stuff and waiting on Him for the next step. 

It seems like a simple question. Most of us start the day by getting out of bed but that really is not what I am looking for. How do you start your day? Some of you would answer with a big cup of coffee, that wakes you up and helps you feel like facing everything else. Some of you would say, I start my day by rushing around getting everyone ready. How do we start our day? Does it matter? My days start with alarm clock beeping at me. My thoughts begin racing with all I have to do, I get up and start the race for the day. I was struck this morning, how I do not want everyday to be a race. I want to enjoy the mornings I have looking in on my sleeping children, listening to the birds outside, and kissing my husband goodbye before he leaves. You see today is our gift. Each moment we have is just another reminder that God has given us more time to be the person he created us to be. I was thinking about those two words "to be" what if we could just "be" today? what if we were thankful for everything we were blessed enough to be part of? The good and the bad? How can we slow down the race to just "be"? how can I find the time with God and my family I so desperately ache for. It is does not come by starting my day racing. It comes by starting my day reflecting. it starts with a prayer, and quieting of my heart before God. Crying out to him, Today is yours- let everything I do, be pleasing to you, help me not take one thing for granted. Nothing- help me to look for God moments- because they are there. Psalms 46:10 states" Be still and Know that I am God" see that word again Be, we have to quiet our hearts and our racing minds and BE still before God.

I am working on starting my day differently, change is hard to do and old habits die hard but it is time to start my day more focused on who created me than what I have to do. When we are out of control God never is...but how much better is it when we start our day seeking the one who always is in control. I want to make it more intentional-

How do you start your day? are you running the rat race or are you meeting with the One who has gifted you with this day!

I so desperately want to be that mom...you know the one...the one that always smiles, she never raises her voice and keeps everything together all the time. My reality is I am not that mom. I get upset when chores are left undone, the laundry pile never gets smaller, and the kids look at you like you might actually be from mars. Today, I woke up feeling like it was all out of control. Things were out of place, demanding my attention. Screaming for me to notice. When I closed my eyes last night, i went right to sleep- for 30 mins, then I woke up, my brain running faster and faster with each Tic- tock that went by. I wanted to sleep, but it all seemed big. The To do list was growing and I only have 24 hours. It is funny how this day is following yesterday. Yesterday we took a sabbath. We rested, we played and loved on our kids. Today, the serenity of yesterday a memory and the demands of today are forcing my attention. I ask when did it all get so out of control- I think it starts with me. There is literally a laundry basket full of papers and mail that need attention at the foot of my bed. My desk is stacked so high, i pray every time I walk by it the mountain does not slide because it would be an avalanche. Dirty laundry baskets full and overflowing in my bathroom. Laundry baskets full of clean clothes in my living room. Where do you find peace when it feels like your whole world is out of control. Every room, every detail, seems to be needing order...

God is never out of control. And when I find myself having one of these days, I take comfort in that fact. I also see where in these moments, his gentle hand is on my back, he mouth is whispering in my ear, he is holding me. To help me regain my focus, to see the big picture. the one that says you are okay, your family is healthy and whole. You are standing in the middle of my will. To understand that there are steps to take to bring life back under control. It takes intentional steps of slowing down, doing the things that need to be done. Not just the urgent but the important. It might mean saying No to something and Yes to something else. It might mean ignoring the pile of laundry to share a laugh or hug. It might even mean putting myself in time out to create a pause and see the situation for what it really is.

Oh to be that Mom! To be that Woman of God. I make progress on days only to take a few steps back, but I am not giving up. I will keep pushing forward. Even in the midst of the out of control.

I am learning lessons. Some I have enjoyed learning, others not so much. I am finding that whether I like or not, my kids will continue to get bigger and grow up. They will make their own choices, some of them will hurt them, and probably me, and others will make them shine. I am realizing that my time with my kids all under our roof is on the last chapter. I also see how this year has been marked with pain, joy, and unexpected moments of God's grace on our family. This week I have had some great unexpected, unrushed moments with my kids. Last night, it was just Jordan and i at home around 9:30 and he said "hey mom wanna play domino's?" I was tired and really wanted to take a warm bath and go to bed but I told him sure- to set up. So he did. We played two games, I won one he won one. When we were finishing up the last game, Jason and Colton came in and I cleaned up the game. But this is what happen, and I took a picture of the moment on my internal hard drive and I hope it stays with me forever- after a few minutes I was still at the kitchen table and Jordan pokes his head around the corner and says " Hey mom- thanks for playing me. I love you." and he walked away. It was an unexpected, unplanned simple moment that melted my heart. What seemed like something so small to me, was huge to him. Those are the times you see how important relationships are. I had a mommy date with Jordan right here in my kitchen and it cost me nothing but time. How many times I have not been willing to pay with time? How many of these types of things have I missed because I thought I didn't have time? Michelle Anthony once said " the days are long but the years are short" That is so true. It won't be long and Jordan will graduate from High School , he will pursue his dreams and he won't have time for game of domino's around the kitchen table. But for today, he just might. He just still might think Mom is ok and spending time with me isn't so bad. I think I better reevaluate where I am spending my time. I think it is probably ok to let somethings go, they will still be waiting on me when the kids are gone. Relationships matter, people matter, investing in them is important....

I was praying this morning, seeking God to give me direction. I have to preach this weekend. What an awesome responsibility. Wanting the message from your heart to be not just your words but those from God, for that time and place. Meant for that group of people. Words that transform and empower. Words are just words unless we take them to heart and allow them to change us. Change me. I find that in writing sermons, God is using them to change me. To help me realize the things that I too need to work on. As I prayed this morning, I need Him, my Abba, to show me to direct me. My words aren't good enough. He has to pour out His Spirit to make them effective. I began to pray for my heart to be changed. That I too will allow Him to work in the soil of my heart. I had two sermons before me, both I need as much as anyone else. And as I read them and then read a devotional, I knew which way I would go. I would preach the one now and the other one in August. God knows who will be here on both of those sermons. He knows what I need too. Thankfully.

I read another blog today about rest- and true rest comes from Him and only from Him. I am hoping to today to find my rest in Him. To understand a little more of what it looks like to crawl up in Abba's lap and rest. To allow Him to work in my heart and find the place where true rest is found.