Today is the day that we put aside and join with others and worship. I preached today, that means that out of the last 4 Sundays I have preached. It seems odd- and yet some what natural. I realized as I finished up today preaching, it would be several months before I preached again. Now it is time to focus on the upcoming Marriage Retreat. I am so excited to see what God is going to do this year. This is a great time to reconnect with your spouse and leave the distractions of life behind. 

In less than 2 weeks I will graduate from IWU- it doesn't seem possible. Last week at District Conference I received my Ministerial Licence which was a bit surreal. It still is surreal.  Jason and I are really praying about what God is wanting from us, where he is leading us in our journey, and how that plays out in our everyday lives.  We are making it a point to spend quality time with the Lord for clear direction.  God knows and in his time he will reveal it to us...waiting is the key...

Yep that is what I am doing...wasting time. I am laying on the couch with my laptop blogging. Jason and Colton have gone to practice, the others have gone swimming. It is me and the dog and she is whining. Today I have been asking myself a lot of questions...some productive, others not so much. I preached recently that we should make sure that the names we call ourselves match with the names that God would call us, and I think as a woman- we struggle with that. We sometimes use words to describe ourselves that we have heard others call us, ugly, fat, rude, beautiful, skinny, kind, etc...It is easy to get caught up in the words that go through our mind and lose sight of the peace that God would like for us to experience through his words. I am trying to digest all of that. When we realize that to some people we may never be good enough, or they may never like us, that isn't our problem anymore- it is theirs and when we hold on it to- it holds us in bondage. Not them but us. I don't like the idea of being in bondage. I don't like the thought that because I am hurt and hold on to things I keep myself in bondage- that does not sound like the freedom that God has to offer us. So why do we do it? I think it is because we get comfortable with it. It becomes our badge, our suit of armor and other times I think we hold on to it because it is the only thing we have that connects us to those people. If we don't have the bad, then we have nothing and that also brings pain.  The bright side- there is healing- we just have to be willing to look at the wounds that are down deep and see them for what they are and ask God, the ultimate Healer, to mend what is broken and restore us. 

I sometimes look at new chapters of life with anticipation, excitement and wonder. And other times I look at them with fear, anxiety, and uncertainty. While other times I feel all of those emotions when starting a new chapter. That is how it feels right now. All of those emotions are at play as we start a new chapter. School is over for me, Jason is diligently praying and seeking clarity for the future. Change is not always easy- in fact most of the time change is hard. Mostly I think because it requires us to be vulnerable and open to what is going to happen. It might require things that are painful for us to let go of...but on the other side- we find that it was all for the best. It is the process that is difficult. Its waiting for the next step that causes us to squirm and begin to be uncomfortable. Sometimes the next step takes more faith than we think we have- but didn't He say if we have faith as a mustard seed- that was enough? Didn't he say, we just had to trust him? It comes from giving up our will and resting in His. I get it- easier said than done. but rewarding- dont' you think? 

Coming to a place in your walk with Christ that you can really trust him to do what is best for you is a process. and it takes us dying to self everyday- and for me sometimes every minute. The last couple of weeks have been really hard as I look at who I am, or who I think I am or who I want to be and matching that up to what God sees, wants and has made. It takes us - me- looking deep within and asking tough questions. Realizing that sometimes in life we will value things that God doesn't value and we have to realign ourselves with him. 

Realignment isn't always easy- it means we give up things, some good, some bad that have been distracting us from the most important things. I am working on finishing my sermon series on Spiritual Formation and learning to give up control to the one who has everything under control is really the best thing we can do! 

You would think by now nothing would surprise me! However, sometimes people's behavior still does. I mean really its like some people can't make it through their day without being mean and ugly.  I don't get it. I wish I did. People used to say that time heals all wounds- I don't think I buy that. I have waited for years for a situation to be better and as of this date- it isn't better. People are still rude, people are still uncaring and just plain hurtful.  You can call it whatever you want- you can even claim to be a Christ follower- but Jesus at no point modeled that kind of behavior.  Extending grace, holding my head up high, remembering there is nothing I can do it about is sometimes easier said than done.  I keep asking myself what in the world can I say or do to make it better? Then on the flip side I ask myself how am I really making it worse? I don't get it. and trying to get it is frustrating. 

On another, note school is done. I have completed all of my assignments for IWU. I will now wait and see what the final grades will reveal and hopefully I will pass the one class I was worried about. At this point I don't want to go back to school- like ever- but maybe after I take a break- a long one! I will feel differently! I am glad It is over. I have enjoyed the last couple of days with no homework. I didn't know how big of a pressure it was until it was over. It feels great! I am excited to focus a little more on the kids, my husband, my house and my calling. 

Today I have marked several assignments off of the list... this is it the last week of school. Next week I am going to do nothing. I think I might spend hours in front of the TV watching mindless shows that have no meaning. Or I may sleep- okay I probably won't do any of those- but a person's can dream right?  I know that to get there I have to get through this week and that is my only goal to get through this week and to say its over! Then for real next week, I will start really looking at life and beginning working towards make some choices that are best for my family.  This has been a brutal year- I am ready to be with my kids without worrying about my next school deadline. I am ready to have some down time. I am ready to get clarity on my next step. 

It is 9:30 and I would like to get one more assignment started before I go to bed...so good night world! 

It seems like when July 4th hits, Summer zooms forward and before I know it school is starting. Today, I found myself thinking about how this time next week, I will have finished ( at least I Hope) my last assignment in my degree and will close this chapter. I simply cannot wait to celebrate that freedom next week. :) However, tonight as we watched fireworks- in a not so ideal location- we were by a family that was literally ohhhh and awwing over each firework. Finally the little girl said, this is my first time seeing fireworks and it is amazing. This family had never seen fireworks- sometimes I take for granted the things that I have been able to be part of. I have probably never missed a firework display on the 4th of July. I take for granted the freedom that the 4th of July represents that we enjoy, that I enjoy everyday. Fireworks that once held ohhs and ahhs are common place. We can see them at the ball games, Thanksgiving and pretty much all year around somewhere. Freedom that we enjoy comes at a price. The freedom that I have to get an education, have a job, raise a family, go into debt, spend money, give to those in need all came at a price. Thank you to those who fought for that freedom and those who are still fighting for our freedom. I am thankful. Thankful that I have had the opportunity to go to school and thankful it will be over very soon!  I might be throwing a party next week! To celebrate freedom from homework! 

The end is in sight. I have 9 more days and school will be officially over. I have no idea if I will pass the one class or not, but it is almost over. The time is drawing to a close. Either way graduate or not, I know that I accomplished something. For the most part I gave it my all- there was a a few assignments I could have done better on. But for 2 and half years, I worked hard. I will become a college grad- hopefully- and I will have learned a few things along the way. This week will be crazy- finishing assignments, taking test, and writing sermons. But I just have to keep in mind that it is almost over. Its almost over. I thought I would be anxious to jump right back into school. I had it all laid out on what I would do in the next 6 years before I turned 40- however, the events and the stress of the last month, make me realize that I need some time. I need sometime to be with my kids who are growing up so fast and before I know it will be charting their own paths. I need some time to regroup my mind, my emotions and my life. I need to learn how to breath again. This weekend we will celebrate our freedom- and I am so thankful for the freedoms that I have, but mostly I am thankful for grace. I wish I knew how to accept it.