Last night was one of those nights I hope I never forget. I had one of the most amazing nights with my kids. We were eating taco bell and mcdonalds around the kitchen table- i know highly nutritious. But as we were around our table, the comment was made we can never get rid of this table, so I ask why? They each begin to point to blemishes on the table that they had put there and the story behind it. We went down memory lane to the spilling of the finger nail polish remover that not only removes fingernail polish but it removes the finishing of the table. We went to the spot where Colton was doing something- we can't remember or we don't want to remember that took a chunk out of the table. The stories went on and this mommy's hearts was overflowing. Then the conversation got really interesting as the begin to open up and share and ask questions they had. From how old were you when you got married mom? Would you let us get married at 18? To questions about being drunk, smoking, drugs, cutting, peer pressure, and other issues they are faced with everyday. I loved their honesty about things. We talked for almost 2 hours. We prayed together and I told them that I had another reason for not getting rid of the kitchen table- because of moments like this. We didn't leave a new blemish on the table for us to point to and go hey do you remember when, but we left a mark on my heart that will remember the night we talked. I told them I hoped over the next few years there would be many more conversations around this table. I went to bed last night with a heart of gratitude for all the blessings God has poured out on me and my family. I also went to be knowing that under no circumstance would I ever refinish or get rid of the kitchen table.

When it all seems to overwhelming to face. When it seems like if one more thing happens, you might break. When it feels like the walls that you have surrounded yourself with are crumbling...when it seems like you are at the end and you simply ask " what next?" Questions, doubts, concerns, circumstances and everything else that demands our mind to think on them. Task that are left undone, tasks that are done, words that are said, actions that take place. What it is that breaks the wall? How do we funnel our way through the chaos of our lives to actually survive this thing called life? My heart has been heavy for quite sometime. I have been reliving conversations, and things of both the present and past. I have allowed "old ghost" to show up in the closets of my mind and heart. Which results in this feeling of complete and total overwhelming out of control life. And realizing that because of that ugly word Busy I have  neglected the things that are most important. I have allowed the urgent to push me to my limit and have found myself dry, thirsty and out of steam.

Questioning so many aspects of life- with no clear direction on any of them. I am not sure I can achieve my goals of getting my degree and being ordained next year. Schooling is so demanding. Having 4 very active children is demanding, being a wife is demanding, being a full time pastor is demanding, keeping up with the home that God has blessed us with is demanding. I am juggling the balls in the air, and all the while feeling as if the walls are closing in.  The things I once enjoyed and I found energy from now depress and stress me out. Finding the energy and the motivation to plow through is almost impossible these days. I do not know what to do. I know of some steps I could take to help, but not sure they are the answer. Not sure I know the clear answer.

For fear you think I am depressed and not functioning...that is not the case. I am sorting through many different emotions, praying and asking God for some wisdom and direction. And decluttering not only my home but my heart. Something I learned along time ago is God is always working, even in the midst of our messes. Our clutter and walls do not scare Him off, he is simply working to make it all beautiful... I just have to allow him. So today, i am looking for that rest that only comes from Him. Letting him work on the clutter of my heart and mind, while I work through the clutter in my house.

Yesterday we watched Brooklyn enter high school. Today I realized that today was the last first day of elementary school I will have with my kids. I watch Kailyn walk confidently into the school, as I drove away it hit me. This was the last. We celebrate the first in our lives and we often times miss the last in our lives. We do not mark on the calendar the last night we have to get up every couple of hours to feed a baby, or the last time we rocked them to sleep. We do however celebrate the first. Today I marked the last with Kailyn. I want to enjoy this last year with her in elementary- do the holiday parties, field trips, and room mom thing. Because after this year...that chapter closes. So this year we mark the first and the last. We celebrate both the beginnings and the endings. Because both means we are making progress. We are growing. Sometimes both are painful.

In case you think I have forgotten that I have two boys in the middle of the beginning and the ending- I haven't. Jordan is playing football and has to be at school at 6am, he is tired and sore. But today he punted the ball 30 yards farther than any of the other boys. The coach was impressed. You see God is doing a new thing in him. I noticed that I no longer look a little boy in the face but rather look up to a young man. Who is taller than me and probably stronger than me. He is my little boy but he is a fine young man.

And Colton- he is still Colton. He started today dreading going back to school. He ended the day happy that he got to go to soccer and play the drums with his dad for worship band. He will wake up tomorrow still dreading school.


So tonight, I look at my kids and I remember how important each step of their lives are. The first's and the last's. Not because one is better than the other but because they weave us together. Tonight, I rest in the fact that tomorrow is another day. Another day I will have opportunities to get it right, and to spend my time wisely enjoying my kids. The ones God has entrusted to me.

I did it... I dropped my beautiful, intelligent, and talented little girl off at High School today. The knot in my stomach lingered long after I dropped her off at the door. I watch her walk into the BIG HUGE High School. She was scared, and excited all at once. I mostly was scared. I know it was just yesterday that I held her for the first time. Just yesterday she set up on my lap and we read a book or had a tea party. She begins a new journey today. She will begin to make her own choices, while still in the safety of our home. She will determine her own set up beliefs and why she believes that way. You see I know she is only a freshman but the count down is on. She went to High School, four years until she is an adult, 4 years.... I was thinking about her first 4 years of life. She didn't get to stay a baby for very long, she became my big girl at the ripe old age of 13 months. She was my helper. By the time she reached 4, there was 4. If I wonder why she is fiercely independent I really shouldn't...I forced her to be.  I hope she knows how proud I am of her and how very thankful I am that God chose this girl, me, to be her mom. I don't know what the next 4 years will hold. I pray that whatever it holds, we come out on the other end loving and cherishing our relationship. I know I won't get it right all the times, and she wont' either but my hope is we extend much grace to each other. So today, I dedicate this to Brooklyn! My beautiful daughter who made me a mom. I am proud of you Brooklyn and pray that each day of head of you will be filled with excitement, fun, laughter and God moments.