There is many things I wish I could put here, but I can't. This week has been a week like no other. For those who have been here for me this week, and you know who you are, Thank you! Thank you really isn't enough but Thank you. I am on a new journey, one I did not pick but one I must travel. At the end of this journey is healing, freedom, and acceptance.... When I question the journey or wonder if I will get to the other side, I will remember those conversations this week, and the promises you spoke.

So tonight, there is many words that could go here, but there too much, and too deep. But someday the words will come....

Unexpected bumps in the road aren't always bad...sometimes they are just what you need-right? some bumps teach you something, others show you things that need to be fixed and others send you in a different direction. We just hold on and hope that we can handle all the work that comes with the bump. It might be painful, it might even be scary. Facing our giants, and our fears take courageous people. And it usually doesn't happen over night.  Sad- I wish it did.

Our minds are crazy places. I mean seriously one minute you could be thinking about what's for dinner and the next minute you are worrying about a child, a past due bill, the laundry, only to have those thoughts interrupted about what was the line from that movie you wanted to remember? Ours minds are filled with information, useless and useful, memories, appointments and countless other things. So I have been trying to quiet my mind more. This is a process I want you to know. There is a verse in the Bible that says BE STILL. Being still is not something I do well, or at all. But lately I have been craving the still. When my mind is not racing, my heart is peaceful and my feet are not going someplace. So today, I begin my journey of making my mind be still. This takes work. I did not achieve that until after several minutes- okay it actually took like 6 tries through out the day and several minutes at each try, but finally the Still came. I just allowed myself not to think- guess how long it lasted? about 3 minutes. 3 whole minutes- can you believe it? I was shocked. My mind was still. Those 3 minutes were just what I needed. I know you are saying that is no time but it is a start. When we practice things we get better at them. So tomorrow I am hoping for 4 or 5 minutes. I want to get to a place where I can find the still and hear God more effectively. I want to learn to live in the moment with my kids and not be distracted by what is next. I want to enjoy my husband holding my hand or hugging me and to do that I must be still.

The cutting board is still empty, but don't give up, I am close to knowing what must go...it might be painful but I know it will be worth it. I listen to my kids again tonight tell me mom the thing I don't like about our family is "We are too busy" So I listen now I must take action. It will be a difficult for all of us once the cutting has been done, but I believe without a shadow of a doubt it will be worth it.

Do you have days you just want to wake up and know...know everything is going to be okay. Know peace, know its all under control. I was thinking this morning as we jumped out of bed, late, that when I wake up there are some guarantees. First of all, nothing, I repeat, nothing will come today that has not already gone through the hands of God. Every situation,every circumstance has been seen by my loving Heavenly Father. Next, I realized that because of that first thing, I shouldn't panic, over react or worry. That is so much easier said than done. I guess that is where Faith plays in. We have to remember that God is working "ALL" things together. He could be moving people, jobs, monies and all sorts of other things to get us ready for what is coming around the corner. When I wake up and see and know that God is in control that even though some of the things we face seem like they are obstacles, it really is God moving me to a new place. He is preparing me or those around me for the works he planned for us long ago.

So today, I am just resting in the Know... the knowing that God really does care and have a plan, I may not see but that's ok. I will in time.

Have you seen a beautiful piece of tapestry hanging on the wall? When you look at it all you see is this beautiful piece of artwork. But if you could see the back of it, the work that went into the artwork, you would see something far from beautiful. Knots, broken strings, and yet it is beautiful. That's what I feel like God is doing right now. He is weaving  a piece that looks ugly and broken but when it is finished, it will be beautiful. I cannot even try to explain or understand all that is going on, but I know that God is working all things together. I know that when I can't not see the plan at all- he is still in control. Still working, still moving things to accomplish his will.

I have been talking a lot about the cutting board-and putting something on the cutting board that must be cut out. i am still working on that. As of right now the cutting board lays empty, haunting me that something, yes something must be cut. God knows what needs to go before this board, and perhaps I do too, and just don't want to admit it. But soon, i will work up the courage to cut the thing or things that God has said too. As much as I want to say it is my schooling, it probably isn't...so we will keep seeking clear direction. I will keep seeking God and weighing my yes' and my no's. Because I know that in the end God has called me and he will not forsake me. He will give me guidance and direction. He will continue to do hold me when I feel like it is all melting into a puddle of tears.

you know those days when nothing, I repeat nothing goes right. That was today. I am turning in homework late and I just want to go to bed and sleep for a few days. I have had one of those days. I went to Panera to do my homework today. I was so proud of the amount of work I had done and after an hour an half of work, and one assignment complete I hit that all important button "submit" except it didn't submit. I got this very lovely message about how Panera has a time limit on their free internet and it had kicked me off. This meant all of my work, every word, sentence and paragraph was gone. There was no getting it back, it was gone. Now, i know what you are saying, some have said it, I should have saved it. I was working on "Blackboard" which is what we use in online learning and I was typing the assignment right on the page it needed to be submitted too, so there was no need, at least I thought, to save it in a word doc. on my own computer. Well, i guess i should have huh?

So needless to say, I was not happy. I left Panera and went to starbucks to redo and try to hammer out the rest of my homework. I got some done but not enough. I forgot that Colton had a dentist appt, and i had to get ready for the things going on at church.

I knew that I was going to be pushing the envelope with time today. So i am trying to work on my papers at church, and I was recounting my story of losing my stuff and someone was trying to tell me the importance of saving my work and asking me what I had learned, It took everything in me not to crumble in a puddle of tears. I knew then, it was time for me to go home and let today be history. I know the person was being helpful and I know that they were not trying to hurt me I just couldn't take it. It was more than my emotions or mind could process today.

When I did get home, it was like every emotion came springing to the top. I need to say in the morning, I am sorry to my kids. I was harsh, instead of loving when I put them to bed. I just needed to finish my homework. So I go to bed tonight questioning, is this really the time for me to get my degree. Is this really what I need to be doing? With everything that is going on at our Church and my responsibility there, and my four growing kids and my husband and our marriage ministry I just think that it is too much. What is going to give- what do I need to cut out. What can I cut out. How can I do all of this? those are the questions rolling around in my head.

It all just seems like too much. So I am 37 minutes late turning in my homework... there is a chance he will not accept it and i will get a zero, I am hoping that is not the case. For now, I cannot worry about it, I did all that I could do this week. The rest will have to remain undone or wait for tomorrow.

I think i will no

This week has been a week of prayer around our church. We did a 24/7 prayer vigil. It started last Sunday and will end tomorrow. I have been reflecting about prayer and how that makes an impact on me, our church, you and everyone else. Is prayer something that we intentionally participate in or are we casual on lookers? This week I have seen the people come and go through the church and into the prayer room. Not just during the daylight but the middle of the night. Praying, giving up something to go and seek God. How is it that we take this so lightly? I mean prayer is the only thing that can change things. Prayer is our life line? I have been convicted on how much I pray- how shallow my prayers seem to be at times. I have seen God work in some amazing ways this week, I also seen how the enemy works when we are being intentional about praying. I want to be a prayer warrior. I want to touch the throne when I pray to the One I know can change things. I want to stand in the gap for those who can not stand for themselves. I want to move beyond myself to something greater than I can even imagine.
I can't even begin to know what God is going to do because we as a Body of Believers took the time to bow before God and pray. I am excited to be part of what God is doing.
On a personal note this week, I took Brooklyn to get her permit, my little girl can drive. She can get into the car, with an adult and drive from point A to point B. Talk about a surreal moment, that was it. She was so excited! I remember that feeling, of holding the permit in my hand for the first time. Knowing that I had become a big person now and could drive. I am proud of her. I know she will do great. She has a lot to learn not just about driving but about life. I hope she understands that with the privilege of driving comes responsibility.We have many lessons to go over in the next few years. My prayer is that she will see all that God has for her and go after it with all of her heart.

I have been looking forward to today all week. This was the day I was going to be able to sleep in. I had it all planned in my head. I would go to be early and then I would stay curled up under my blankets until some late hour in the morning like 10:00. I went to bed last night at 10:30, so excited to put my plan in action. I gave firm directions to all four children about how we all would be sleeping and no one I mean no one was suppose to get out of their beds before 9. I crawled into bed, with visions of sleep and quickly found myself sleeping. The plan had worked...until 4:00am. Yes that is right, 6 hours ahead of the planned time to get up or wake up...I was wide awake. No matter how hard I tried sleep would not come back. By 5:30 I realized that I was simply wasting away the morning and I might as well get up. So I did. I quietly left my bedroom and went to the couch, the dog on my lap and books in my hand. I begin reading through the 2 classes I will begin teaching this week. Praying for wisdom, direction and that somehow the lessons in these classes will make an impact on those who attend. By 8 the children were stirring. I left the house to run errands and marked many things off of my to do list this morning . So the morning, didn't go as planned but perhaps this was better. The kids are now outside playing, Jason is working on his to do list for church.

I have been really thinking about our over-scheduled lives and how it is really begin to weigh us down. We are working on going before the cutting board and seeing what needs to be cut. Then doing the hard work of actually doing it.

The marriage retreat is less than a month away and there is so much that still needs to be done. I can't believe we are this close. I am so excited for this year. I am excited to see what God is going to do in the lives of those who come. I am sure that every couple there can leave with something that will make an impact on their marriage, their home and their relationship with Christ.

Well, I am off to do the next thing...perhaps this afternoon will go like I planned it...or maybe not!

Some days you just realize how much you lack. I am inadequate to fix everyone's pain and everyone's issues. So I leave the office with a heavy heart. Wishing I could take all the pain, all the hurts and make them better. We take step after step and before we know it, we are miles away where we want to be. We look back and realize the steps we should have taken. I have been reminded of my own weakness. My own miss steps that lead me away from where I really need and want to be. I want to rest in Christ but realize that I take steps that lead to a place of unrest. I miss my devotions, I have a wrong attitude, I react to a situation instead of just creating the pause, I am critical, I miss an opportunity to extend grace. Sometimes what seems like little steps lead to giant gaps in rest. Tonight I am trying to remember, I am not God. Only God can fix what is broken. I want to. I want to see relationships healed, the hungry fed, the homeless with a roof over their head. I want to wave the magic wand over my kids and protect them from the arrows of sin that will be aimed at them. I want to fix the families that are broken and falling apart. I want to fix the mothers and daughters, fathers and sons who are broken and hurting. So I ask the question, Do I trust God to do that? Do I allow God to work in me to be the agent of change that is needed? Do I allow him to use my for his kingdom or are my steps taking me away from the rest and clarity I can find in him? I ask you the question: are you allowing God to work on your brokenness?

I confess that I take for granted many things in my life. I take for granted that i wake up every morning with a roof over my head, food in my kitchen, a car to take me to my work, and a family that is whole. I take for granted that I own 17 Bibles that I can pick up any time, i even have a Bible on my blackberry. I take it for granted, I walk through my days and sometimes I neglect to rest in Christ. I neglect to pick up the Word and spend time drinking in what God has for me. I take steps away from rest to do things that have no importance in eternity. I confess that some days I lose sight of what I am working toward.

I am reminded through the faith in of my kids that what we do and say is important. People are watching. When we say that following Christ is the most important thing then we should live every minute for that purpose. See I can't fix you, I want too. I want to see things through the eyes of Christ and allow that to lead and direct me. My heart is heavy for the burdens of those I know. Maybe tonight you realize that you too have taken steps that lead you in the wrong direction. Maybe you think you have taken too many away and you can't possibly get back to where you need to be...But you can... God is in the business of fixing what is broken. We just have to be willing to go before Him and allow him to work in our brokenness. It may be painful, it may leave scars, but in the end you will find that your steps have lead you back to where you need to be.