Today I was struck with the fact that there are some people I failed to mention in November that I am so grateful for. One of those is Candie...Candie has served as the Children's Director at our church for the last 2 years and she has done an amazing job. She has worked many thankless hours and I could never say Thank you enough. She will be stepping down from this position at the end of this month and she will leave a whole and big shoes to fill. She has had to deal with me which will probably earn her a least 2 or 3 extra jewels in her crown. I know that right now in her life she is going through times she would not have picked and I pray that over the next few months she feels the presence of God so very close. As she closes this chapter and begins another she will know that she is doing exactly what God called her to do, being Myles' wife, an amazing mom to Abby and Luke and the friend and daughter and sister. Candie, you are appreciated. I will miss working with you but I know that God will continue to use you.

I did some shopping today, and I just felt a little overwhelmed with the process. I mean I thought I might be able to accomplish all of my shopping in one day but time and money ran out and I ended the day with most of my stuff done for my kids and a few other gifts picked out. I was thinking this evening that We have everything we need and so much more...And even though it is difficult to pay bills, and buy presents, we can. It may make things tight for a couple of days but we won't do without anything we need. And there are many who will do without, without gifts, without food, without family, without warmth. I will not do without any of those. It makes me thankful. Perspective...realizing I have been blessed in many ways. Wishing I had more to give away to those who are in need.

So I find myself very reflective these days. Maybe actually too much. My thoughts have been remembering days of past...just my past...which isn't that long. ( because I am not that old!) But remembering the dreams of my childhood, of being a newlywed and expecting my first baby, growing old with Jason and raising my kids to love God and serve Him with all their heart. I was told once that we should never sacrifice our family on the altar of ministry. I am afraid I have done that at times. I am sad for the time I have lost with my kids in the name of ministry or helping others, or even plain selfishness. Frankly, I see the days slipping by and I am see the things that I wanted so much for my family not realities. And it makes me angry. It makes me reevaluate what it is I am suppose to do. I woke up at 3am this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. And my mind has been racing ever since. Remembering, reflecting, and spending time with all of my kids. We cooked a great big brunch today, then laid around and did mostly nothing. Then this evening, went out with the girls to see a movie. Overall a good day, my thoughts are just jumbled. My heart heavy. I don't like it, it has been hanging around most of the week. And today, I finally could pinpoint some of it. As I realize the things that seem to be heavy on my heart. I realize where my heart is, and where it isn't. I also, realize the things that have to become a priority. It isn't too late, I maybe have lost some valuable time, but I still have time. As I have been saying, I am reclaiming my family. I am going to teach the kids the things they so desperately need to know. And refocus the family to love each other, respect each other, and love God with all of their heart. That when they are all grown up and on their own they will know God for themselves. Not everyone will like my choices, sometimes I might not like my choices. But it is time. Time is too precious to let it slip away. We need every second to accomplish the goal.

I am watching the Christmas movie "It's a Wonderful Life" and it is only confirming where my heart is. Family is where my heart is. I like George Bailey sometimes lose sight of what is important. I get caught up in the "stuff" and I don't want too.

Tomorrow will be another day. And I am scared that I will lose sight of what is important. That it will be easier to stay in the patterns that I am currently in than change. I know I have made some pretty significant changes in the last few days but not enough. Not enough. I want to do the things I am called to do because God called me to do them, not what others want from me or guilt or anything else. I only want to operate out of God's will for me. Nothing more and nothing less.

I am not thankful for Kailyn getting a cold and running a fever through the night last night. Because of this she had to stay home from school today and miss her choir concert tonight. She was very sad. However, I tried to be creative and make it up to her. We had one of our favorite home cooked meals, followed by ice cream treats, and then a family movie of Christmas Carol. The evening was great. We had to stop the movie before it was done because 3 out of 4 were asleep on the living room floor. Had it not been a school night we would have left them, but tomorrow is an early day so we woke them up and helped them to bed. This is what evenings are suppose to be like. Now the house is quiet, the movie is playing and Jason and I are sitting by the tree just doing well...nothing. I want so much for this evening to be the normal and not the wow- don't remember when we had one like it last.

Christmas is a time for family, and memories. Christmas is a time to celebrate Jesus- wow- he came as a baby to be a human just like me to redeem me to God. Because he was fully God while he was fully human. And I may not understand that completely I believe it. He came so that I might live. I want to make sure that I am passing down that faith to my children. Not because it is what I believe but because it is what they have experienced and come to know themselves. That there love for God is their own. I can't do that adequately if I don't have time with them. This evening, was about the time with them. Not on my phone, not on my laptop but with them.

I hope to have many more evenings like tonight. Tomorrow evening the boys will go on a Daddy Date with Jason. Kailyn, If she is better, will go to a Birthday Party, and Brooklyn and I will have a Mommy date with some other friends to celebrate again Brooklyn and her birthday. She is an amazing young lady. I can't believe she turned 15 this week. WOW! Time flies. I am so thankful for the opportunity I have to be her mom. This was a great evening. And I am thankful!

I am at the kitchen table...alone in the house. I hear the cars zooming by on Antioch, the hum of my refrigerator, and the soft steps of brandy. Normally I don't hear these things. These things get drowned out from the noise of everything else. But this morning I hear. I woke up this morning, hearing. I spent a lot of the night, awake thinking, praying and perhaps worrying...but I realized that when the everyday busyness begins to drown out my ability to hear, then I might be missing some pretty important things. You know like the still small voice of God, the soft "I love you" from a child, the whisper in my ear from my husband. Busyness drowns out important. We don't like to admit it but it's true. We shouldn't have to have a nervous breakdown to make us stop and breathe, we shouldn't have to come to a breaking point before we take some time....If we see something falling apart and we want to fix it that is great but if our own lives are falling apart ( or church, or family, or job, or whatever you fill in the blank) shouldn't we fix that first? I think sometimes we get it all wrong. We want to go out and change the world and save it. But perhaps we do that best by first changing ourselves, and saving ourselves. That isn't selfish, it's healthy. When we operate out of our own healthiness instead of our own dysfunction, the results are much better. My out of control schedule is no one's fault but my own. I make my schedule. I am taking ownership of it. My family spends less than 10 hours a week ( not including sleeping) in our house...That is wrong! My husband works two jobs and works probably close to 100 hours a week- that is wrong...my children have so little time to be with their parents that we will blink and they will be grown and out of the house. Ask anyone of my children what they don't like about their family- we are too busy...and yet week after week we go and we go...week after week we let the urgent push and sometimes destroy what is important. I simply can't do it all. Being superwoman is not all that it is cracked up to be. Being everything to everyone is not what God has called me to do. The changes might offend some and I have finally come to a place in my life where that is okay. I can't fix your brokenness, or dysfunction, i need to fix my own, and the only way any of us get fixed is by allowing God to fix is and we have to be still long enough to let him. Maybe this blog is coming out harsh but that is not my heart. It is time...time to reclaim my family. Go back to the days of simple, we can still do that and be effective. It may mean that your expectation of me might not be meet- and I am sorry. I might be judged on earth by you but I will not be judged for eternity by you. Making choices that are healthy are going to reap healthy solutions.

Today- is about being still....i want to hear from the One who loves me no matter what and says " Gina you are enough just as you are!"

I have neglected to blog...partially because no matter how much I want things to slow down they only seem to go faster.I realize that in the midst of this craziness I am making some sacrifices and I am not real sure I like them all.  This is a busy time of the year I get that, but I don't like it. I get that when you have good work ethic you want to get your job done, and you want to do it well. But at what point do we say this job or this task will be there tomorrow and there are other things that need us. ( Children, spouses, friends, our own sanity) I know I over function, I am working on that. Because over functioning is exhausting and frankly I am sick of it. I think some times we have to look at things through some realistic lens...Sometimes that means doing the things that you know you can do and do them well, and frankly let the rest go. That may mean people don't like your choices, and I am okay with that. And I am getting more and more okay with that. So I am trying to do things that remind people that this season is for Christ, but today I am reminding myself of that. And trying to refocus my family- because there is not one task that is worth losing my family or hurting my family. Here is to reclaiming some sort of order and calm to the Colburn household- beware it means lots of changes....

I just read on my favorite blog www.aholyexperience.com about her family does not exchange one gift for Christmas. Instead they give gifts to villages across the world and children in need. She outlines today what they do on Christmas day since they do not open gifts. I was convicted. My chest began to tighten as I read and a lump begin to form in my throat. There Christmas Day together as a family is celebrating Jesus from start to finish. Wow! I think that most of us spend the day stressed out about all the stuff we have to do and if we got the right gifts for everyone and then working so hard to clean up all the messes that we forget to celebrate Jesus. As I mention in my last blog I was going to try to find ways to do something everyday that reminded me of the reason. Yesterday, I am not sure I did anything worth writing about...frankly I did somethings I wish I wouldn't have done. The day didn't end like I had hoped and well it was just one of those days.  But today I started the day thinking about all the things I had to get done today. Feeling very overwhelmed by them all, and knowing that I would end today with still a lot to do. But after I dropped the kids off at school, I wanted a coke, so I ran through the Mcdonalds drive through. While I was paying i realized I can do things that show others the love of Jesus even if I don't get to tell them. So I paid for the car behind me meal. I don't tell you this to bring me glory, but rather to bring him glory. This isn't about me, it is about showing the love of Christ to everyone...those we know and those we don't know. I have no idea how the young lady behind me in the drive through reacted this morning. But I hope that some how she sees Jesus today. 

That seems so unreal to me, 25 days to Christmas. That means I should really find a time to put my tree up. It takes a lot of work, so at some point I begin to question is it worth it? the days are ticking away and my house does not look like Christmas yet. I want it too, really I do, its just finding that much time...I used to love the holidays and parts of me still do. I love the decorations, the fires in the fireplace, the lights. But somehow as I got older, it seemed that Christmas just equaled stressed. The shopping list grows longer, the gifts become more expensive, the demands are greater, the hustle and bustle doesn't stop long enough to enjoy the decorations. It seems that we miss the reason. We miss out on the celebration because we are too busy trying to meet everyone expectations of the season. I don't like it. I am reminded every year at this time of all the things I wish I had done better or differently to be more prepared for Christmas. And yet every year, here I am in the same spot. I don't want to rush through this season and forget why we celebrate. Jesus came so that I could have life. He came that I might be able to have a loving relationship with him. And he came in such away that the shepherds were the first there. He came quietly and humbling- and it seems there is not one spare moment in our December to be quiet and spend time with him, and remember. I am guilty of this process of speeding through and forgetting why...


So this month, every day I am going to try to find those moments to stop and remember- I will blog about them here. It might be 30 minutes I spend on the couch with one of my kiddos, talking reflecting and laughing. Maybe it will be a surprise Christmas for someone who might otherwise not have Christmas...who knows what I will find each day to do to keep the reason for the season in the front of my mind. I encourage you to do the same.