Life is a classroom. You always have things to learn. Everyday that I am a live I get the chance to learn something. I can learn from my mistakes, I can learn a new thing, I can improve on a skill and on and on the list goes. We are in work in progress and completed work has no more use, so if you are breathing today you still have use. I am working on my lesson for this upcoming weekend retreat that the District puts on for Pastor's wives and women in ministry. We are talking about Esther. Oh how i love Esther. she shows us that we can have boldness, and confidence as we approach the King. Even though her very life could have been taken. Esther, was willing to do what was hard. I am afraid many days I am not willing to do what is hard. I don't exercise because it is hard.  I don't have some conversations because it is hard. I let things go undone because it is hard. But who said that life would be easy? Who told us that we could always have our way? Who told us that we not have demands, boundaries and regulations? Let me just say, that the things that are hard, the things were fighting for. Relationships are hard- so don't give up. Being part of a body of believers who are all in need of grace is hard- do don't drop out. Being a parent is hard- but stay focus on the goal. Being a pastor is hard- but God's calling will sustain you. Being part of something bigger than yourself is hard- but fulfilling. Life is a classroom, and we have to study, prepare and learn. We have to rely on the strength that only comes from God. We have nurture our relationship with the One who loves us most.  so that in the end we can hear " well done, my good and faithful servant"  

You don't know and I don't know when the final exam will come- so today we should be prepared to take the test! Be courageous! 

Facebook asks every time you log in- what's on your mind- except you can't always say what is on your mind. Writing is my outlet. It is what I do when the world caves in on me. It is what I do to see my feelings and emotions for what they are. It is what I do and sometimes...there are no words. When you  have no more to write. No more to say. That is tonight. When there are lots of things I could put here on my blog but they will be reserved for the private pages of my journal. Where my Abba Father, will read over my shoulder and hold me in his lap. 

I have lost count of the times I have stared at this screen and started this blog. And yet the right words didn't seem to fit, or I was pulled away to something else. Much is changing, while much is staying the same. That really doesn't make sense, I get that. But along with the leaves changing and fall colors setting in, many  changes are happening at the Colburns. 
 More on those later- the marriage retreat has come and gone again for this year. The family meeting I mentioned in my last blog has happened and action items have been put in place. Life marches forwards with the sound of our steps, our crawls, and our running. Each day brings a new day of opportunity to do the right things, to live holy, and to be the hands and feet of Christ. Each day is a reminder of the gift of life we have been given. 

Living in gratitude...

The Operation Save the Colburns meeting will take place tomorrow evening. I am looking forward to hearing what the kids will say. I understand that their excitement ( which I haven't seen yet) might be a little different than mine. You see it may mean they have to give up some things, likee bad attitudes, disrespect, fun, fun, fun all the time, they might be assigned different chores than what they are used to doing. But on the flip side it might mean that there is more time for bigger fun, deeper more meaningful relationships and less chaos...ahh now doesn't that sound nice. 

We were able to worship together this evening at the United- it was great. I love watching my kids in worship. I love being able to be part of it together as a family. It is so important. I keep reminding myself that we are laying a foundation for them- my prayer is that will continue to build upon it. 

Next weekend is the marriage retreat. Oh my goodness I have so much left to do. I know that this year has been a crazy year for us and we have not given the retreat the time it deserves. I am praying that God moves in spite of us- and of course he will- he does that ever year. :) I am so excited to see what God has in store. No matter how many couples are there, God will be there. and the couples that are there were meant to be there. Nothing more and nothing less....praying God moves and families are strengthening because of the faithfulness of these couples. 

Strange name for a post. However, you should know I am on a mission. I am on a mission to reclaim my family, my time and my home. I am not willing to stand by anymore and let the world or outside forces dictate our schedule, our thoughts or our worldview. I am tired of always running life in fast forward. When we bought this house, it was for us to live in and make memories in. Instead we run from here to there, and when we are here we aren't enjoying our home or each other. Tonight each one in my family received an email-  yes I said an email- with this title. I have requested that each member come prepared to a scheduled meeting with their thoughts and ideas on how to do a better job as a family. How to be more respectful of each other, of our home, and to stop the chaos of our lives. At some point you have to stop the madness. I do not want to live in chaos anymore. I realized again this week, how hard it is to be ministry. When you are ministry, there is a huge target on your back and Satan begins to throw daggers. Enough is enough. I have heard many times that we should not sacrifice our family on the alter of Ministry. I won't do it. Working 90 hours a week and giving the family our leftovers, isn't godly, isn't helpful to anyone, and it is damaging. I do not know what the future holds, but I know this...Operation Save the Colburns is underway and I can't wait to see what is in store. 

Last week was like any other week at the Colburns' house. It was full of sports, homework, church stuff, work, and all the other things that fill our days. It was going to end on a much anticipated fun weekend - staff retreat. The staff retreat started off with an amazing meal and then on to games. During the games the weekend took a turn, as I took the call that my step dad Charlie was being taken to the ER. That trip to ER has led us to here- waiting in an ICU waiting room, praying for complete healing in his body and waiting...Waiting. These days are full of uncertainty. It reminds me of the days we stood watch over little Colton's day in the NICU. When all you can do it watch and pray. and trust the doctors to know what they are doing. Charlie is stable but still in critical condition. Mom, is hanging in there...she is tired and worried. I am spending my nights away from my husband and kids to stay with mom at the ICU. Life seems to be put on hold. Nothing else seems to be as important as the things going on here. I wrote this note below for an update for facebook. It pretty much sums up what this day has been like. Full of different emotions, the ups the downs and the waiting. The raw reality of staring death in the face, even if it isn't your loved ones death. We rub shoulders with those who are saying good bye to love ones. This uncertainty finds me resting in the certainty of my hope I have in my Jesus, my Savior and my Lord. 
I guess the best description for spending the day in the ICU waiting room would be roller coaster. Not only do you have your own emotions to work through and the sorting of all the information. But you also see the pain of those who join you in this waiting room. That keep vigil  for their loved ones. The night was long.  Mom slept very little last night. She was up and down and I finally slept from 5:30-7:00am. This waiting room only has chairs, no couches, no pull outs, no recliners. So to say that you get mighty uncomfortable would be a understandstatment. We met with the team of doctors this morning, each doctor brings a different perspective and a different piece of the puzzle. Charlie's breathing is not as labored, they have removed 3 more liters of fluid this morning. All the doctors agree that he is not out of the woods, and he has a long road ahead. We again are prayerful that he will make a full recovery. After both procedures today, he had a little bit of problem with his blood pressure. It dropped to 40/20, it took them about 45 minutes to stablize him.f Which thankfully they did. They also because of this had to put in another port that goes straight into the main artery in his heart. This will help them give medicines ( or something) to regulate that better. 

In the midst of our own roller coaster back and forth of he is doing better, to he needs to be stablized. We share the sorrows of those whom we rub shoulders with. One family at lunch took their 63 year old brother off of life support. He was full of cancer and his journey had come to an end. And now, on the other side of this room, is a family gathered around their 40 year old daughter, sister, mother and friend as she fights her final round with cancer. She is not expected to make it through the night. She is hoping to hang on until her oldest daughter gets here from college- the clock ticks- there is one hour left of her journey from there to here to see her mom...I pray she makes. her other daughter 16 watches and waits. 

Life and death have no age limits does it? ICU waiting rooms are not full of people having a party. Instead, it is a group of people who are sharing a common bond of waiting, praying and hoping for thier loved ones will heal, survive, and find peace. 

This roller coaster is fast, and full of ups and downs. 

When we pour out our hearts to God and we seek him with all that we have, I find that after such a time like that, we need to have a long pause. Maybe you are asking what exactly I am talking about- let me explain. As I mentioned in my last post- i have been swimming in God's word and in prayer. And lately I realize that I needed to take a pause- not from seeking him but to listen to him. You know how it is when we pour out our heart before him and we literally feel spent and drained afterwards- that is when we need to pause, and allow him to pour into us. I don't think this is easy. It takes discipline and us giving up control. When I allow him to pour into me- I am allowing my will to go away and his will become the way. God has proven himself to be very faithful. More faithful than I deserve. His goodness extends beyond anything I can even imagine. He completely blows my mind- day in and day out. I can't even to begin to understand his ways- and true I would not always pick the path he does for me- but he always knows what is best. I am learning to trust him more- rest in him- and die to me. I am learning that in all my ways I need to acknowledge him, and he will, yes he will do what he promises and take care of me. When I don't understand- he holds me. The world in which we live is broken and everyone around us is broken in some way or another- remember that every time you have an interaction with someone- they need Jesus just like you do. Hurts will come, sin will happen around you but your response can make a difference. I can't fix everyone's problems and I can't fix people- but God can. He can heal what is broken in our lives and his healing is the best kind. No bandaide fixes- complete and total healing that can only come from Him. So wherever you are, maybe you need to take a long pause and allow God to pour into you. Rest in him. 

The last 2 days I have literally emerged myself in scripture. It has been one of those weeks- where I realize that is not me but Him. It is not my will but His. Its not my direction but His. Today as I was reading I came across this verse " The Lord says, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise and watch over you. Psalm 32:8"   IF the Lord says it, it must be true. If I am His, then he will guide me. The last month I have been praying, fasting and seeking God with a renewed passion for His will in my life. With a new urgency for him to be active in my life. I wish I understood all the things that are going on. I wish that I could say that during this time, he has shown me the big picture and purpose but so far...only the assurance that he will guide me. that he will advise and watch over me- and my family. Sometimes I think God just wants to know we will be obedient and let me just say that sometimes obedience brings you to your knees faster than anything else. Obedience has away of leaving you breathless, tearful, and questioning the God of universe! and it seems like if I am questioning the God of the universe my faith isn't exactly where it should be. So I continue to emerge in scripture, worship and prayer. 

Sometimes the only way to find true rest is by falling into the arms of Jesus. When we realize we can't fix it all or we can't simply do things the way we have always done them. I wonder why it takes us getting so stressed and tired and overwhelmed before we realize that if we would just fall into the arms of Christ- we would in fact find rest. That doesn't mean everything is fine and fixed- it simply means we find rest in the One who holds it all- including us.  

Our family has escaped the everyday stresses for a very short vacation at Branson. Finding that sometimes the only way to get fresh perspective is to go away and clear your head. that is what we are doing. We are enjoying our kids- enjoying the no schedule day and resting in the arms of Jesus!

I need a GPS- you know the things that tell you where to go, where to turn, how long it is going to take...all those things. The thing is I actually have a GPS in my car- I need one that tells me about life. How to navigate through all the different obstacles and emotions that you feel on any given day. Again, I have one of those GPS' as well- God, his Holy Word...I know all of that. But sometimes I wish I could sort out all of the emotions. Praying for wisdom is an every minute thing these days. Parenting, marriage, ministry, work, life in general, all seems to have a lot of questions. And frankly sometimes the questions seem unanswerable...today I even wondered if I was asking the right questions-and perhaps that was the reason I was struggling so much, because I simply was asking the wrong questions. I realize that this blog is jumbled and probably makes no sense to the reader, but it makes sense to me. choices that we make impact people. Even if we think they are only effecting us they aren't, they have a ripple effect- people are effected. ignoring the ripples don't make them go away or get better. I often wonder if people understand the ripples that they cause...i wonder if i understand the ripple I can cause. Navigating through life isn't it easy. We, I must fully rely on him to help me navigate to the right place- and that comes from me letting go of my control and allowing him to direct. Emotions are just hard to work through. Emotions can cloud perspective. Emotions can cause us to make decisions that aren't really what we are suppose to be making. My prayer tonight is that my navigation system works well in the morning...I am going  to need it.