This was my first Monday off since the kids went back to school and I did not have school work myself...It was so great. It was storming this morning and the only thing to do on a stormy morning is...yep crawl back in bed and sleep. So I did! I crawled between the covers and stayed there until 9:30. ahhhhh....then it was up and ready to conquer my day...laundry...finish school supply shopping- more on that in a minute...working on a new budget for our home and paying bills. Then running around picking up kids, and cooking dinner. It was a great day. 

On the school supply note- Brooklyn needed a calculator for school! are you ready for this ...it cost $119. Yes you read that right. I just about had a heart attack right there on the spot. I just couldn't believe it. Seriously- I told her to protect it with her life. She of course said she would....I think I have finally purchased every school supply the kids have said they have needed. This year, should be good to go- and so far- it is going pretty well. Only a few tears over assignments. I keep reminding myself I will miss these days one day. 

So the new budget for our home looks pretty good I am pretty excited about it. I know excited and budget in the same breathe- yikes...but on paper at least it looks good. Did some trimming of some things- which was not easy, but I know it will be worth it. There are many changes, and when I am ready I will blog about those but for now... they are changes we are processing and working through our emotions on. God has never let me down and I don't think he will this time either. I would love to know his plan but sometimes just trusting him is all he ask of us...so that is where I am at...trusting. 

The house is quiet- the kids are in bed. Again this evening before we tucked them in, we had family devotions, simplified tonight.we read some scriptures together, and then prayed for each other. I hope that we continue to carve out these times each night. It is so important. Tomorrow is another day...for us to rejoice in the blessing that God has given to us.  

I have many things to blog about- but tonight I am going to blog about worship. At about 9:00 this evening, the kids were getting tired and we called them all together for family devotions. I hate to admit it but it has been a really long time since we have done this. We pray with the kids separately   but it had been a while since we had called a family time.  I ask Jordan and Jason to pick a couple of worship songs, that Jordan can play on the guitar. We begin to sing as a family and worship. I looked around the room at the kids and how they were responding to worship. Some with eyes closed as they sang, others tapping out the beat on their leg, while another sang with everything they had. It wasn't long before tears begin to fall down my cheeks, how amazing that we can at anytime or place come before God and worship. We then read 1 John 3:11-25. We talked about loving our brothers and sisters and the confidence we can have to go before God.  The kids shared their request for the week and the burdens that were on their heart, then we prayed. Again, I couldn't stop the tears from falling. Listening to my husband pray for his family, and my kids bow their hearts and seek God is a gift, one that I am afraid I take for granted. As I closed in prayer I prayed that God would give me wisdom on raising my family. and that he would protect my kids from the attacks of Satan, and give them a boldness and confidence to let His light shine through them. Our family worshiped together. Each in their own way, and it was music to my this mommy's heart. and I am guessing it was music to my Abba Father's heart as well. 

This morning, as my kids stood in height order from tallest to shortest for me to take their picture for the first day of school, my mind went back to a time when they were all much smaller. When they still needed mommy to kiss away their hurts and tuck them in at night. They don't need me like that anymore- but they still need me. and for the record- we do still tuck them in at night- and I don't think they mind that too much. ( most of the time) 

Brooklyn, started her second year of high school, it just doesn't seem possible. What an amazing young lady she is. Her heart for God and others is amazing. She cares deeply about those around her.  She prays for those that she loves. Her heart hurts when she thinks about the struggles, and the situations that those she loves are going through.  She is my thinker. She processes everything. ( just like her dad- which I have decided is both a blessing and curse! :0) ) I am proud of you Brooklyn and I am praying that this year will be a great year.  

Jordan, started high school this year and he is 6 foot tall. I remember that little boy who used to crawl up into my lap and twist my hair between his fingers when he is tired. Now not so much.  He is still my little boy. He is compassionate and caring. He is extremely talented. He can play any instrument he wants and I pray that he will grow in confidence this year. That this year will be a pivotal year for him. If he could see what we see and what God created him to be, he could be anything he puts his mind too. My prayer for you my Sweet Jordan is that you will look into the mirror and see the handsome, talented, smart young man that I see. That you will understand that who you are, is exactly who God created you to be. Try hard, work hard, and don't give up! I love you and I am honored to be your mom! 

 Colton started his last year of middle school this year. He is so funny. He makes me laugh. He has struggled greatly with school since we moved 4 years ago. School was always easy for him and for some reason he hates it now. Colton, God has given you so many talents and has given you something that a lot of people don't get, and that is a chance at life. You are here for purpose and right now that purpose is to finish well. Work hard this year- show everyone how smart you are. Smile and have good attitude even if you don't feel like it on the inside. The more positive you are the better this year will be. I believe in you. You can do this! Your life has been prayed over over and over. God created you for great things- find them and do them to the best of your ability. God will never let you down! I love you!

 Kailyn- my baby, my final chapter- started middle school today 6th grade. Kailyn is full of compassion, she loves hugs and cuddle time. I can't believe this time has already come. You begin a new chapter today as well- no more recess, no more just one teacher and one classroom. Today- you begin the world of middle school. I think based on experience with your siblings, these are difficult years but also exciting. You will make new friends, you will experience new things and you will do a lot of changing and growing over the next couple of years. I am so proud of you  and your heart for God. When I watch you pray at church, my heart overflows with joy. Keep praying, God will never leave you. During this year, I know that you will face days when it all seems to much but you can do this! I am so glad to God gave you to me. You complete our family. I love you and pray this is a great year of transition. 


To all of my kids-I love you. You are my favorite people in the whole world. I know you know that I don't always get it right, but I think you also know that I want what is best for you. I pray that you will always follow Jesus and that your lives will be blessed because you have made right choices today. Remember who you are and who God created you to be and you will go far. Not every day will be easy, but God is always with you. Mom loves you more than she could ever tell you and to say I am proud of each one of you is an understatement. 

I am sure you have had one of those days...when you have been bombarded with the reality of your failures. They seem to mount up in your mind like Mt. Everest. They steal your joy, and rob you of today. Those times when all you see are the failures not the successes. I have been having one of those days. I am reminded that summer vacation is over and I failed to most of my summer to do list. on the top of that list was somethings that were pretty important- spend more time with the kids...now they go back to school..back to studying... back to sports, drama, full blown schedule...it begins. Being a mom is really at the heart of who I am. I walked the halls of the Middle School yesterday with 2 of my kids and I didn't want to let go...I wanted to hold on a little while longer. Then the failures seem to rear their ugly head...I am reminded of all the times I could have held them and I thought something else was more important...This is not to make excuses for sin or to place a premium on mistakes or failure. This does not mean that a person must fail before they can be a success, but our failures, whether in the form of rebellion or just foolish blunders, can become tools of learning and stepping stones to success. The point is, we should never allow our fear of failure to paralyze us from tackling a job or trying something that challenges our comfort zone.  Sometimes I am pretty sure I allow my fear to paralyze me which leads to more failures. Failure to do what I know I should do- failure to stop doing something- failure to say what needs to be said- failure that stares us in the face...

Romans 5:20

The Message (MSG)

 ^20-21All that passing laws against sin did was produce more lawbreakers. But sin didn't, and doesn't, have a chance in competition with the aggressive forgiveness we call grace. When it's sin versus grace, grace wins hands down. All sin can do is threaten us with death, and that's the end of it. Grace, because God is putting everything together again through the Messiah, invites us into life—a life that goes on and on and on, world without end.

I just read this blog-http://www.aholyexperience.com/  It is very powerful. Those moments when you begin to see that God is using other's thoughts and life to speak much truth into your own life. This past week, facebook has not been a friendly place. I find that some people find it easy to throw others' past in their face and forget about their own presence failures. While others want to do what is right but go about it in all the wrong ways. And what happens- people get hurt in the cross fire. Sleepless nights, tear stained cheeks, and more brokenness. This blog that I read talks about forgiveness- forgiving parents mainly.  I am far from a perfect parent- just ask my kids. It is not secret that my parents aren't perfect either, my in-laws aren't perfect either. It is also no secret that in order for me to be the parent I am called to be, I must forgive them all just like I want my kids to forgive me. Forgiveness is a tricky business. When huge wounds have been inflected with little to no remorse from the other party, it is hard to forgive. But holding on it to only keeps the wound open, it doesn't begin to heal. It isn't easy. Trust me- sometimes it is a daily prayer to forgive. Sometimes it means that old hurts will resurface and you will find yourself in a puddle of tears praying God to take the pain away. What I am learning is, if I am unwilling to forgive it hurts me not them. They go on with life- they go forward in their own pain, really ignoring the pain they cause. And I have to remember- God sees all, hears all, and heals all! It is not my job to fix those who are broken. It is my job to forgive, so that I can have peace. So that I can heal. So that I can be all that he called me to be. Forgiveness is not easy!! But it is a must. When life is filled with broken dreams, we must allow God to piece together his dream for us-and allow him to work on those who hurt us. 

Today is the day that we put aside and join with others and worship. I preached today, that means that out of the last 4 Sundays I have preached. It seems odd- and yet some what natural. I realized as I finished up today preaching, it would be several months before I preached again. Now it is time to focus on the upcoming Marriage Retreat. I am so excited to see what God is going to do this year. This is a great time to reconnect with your spouse and leave the distractions of life behind. 

In less than 2 weeks I will graduate from IWU- it doesn't seem possible. Last week at District Conference I received my Ministerial Licence which was a bit surreal. It still is surreal.  Jason and I are really praying about what God is wanting from us, where he is leading us in our journey, and how that plays out in our everyday lives.  We are making it a point to spend quality time with the Lord for clear direction.  God knows and in his time he will reveal it to us...waiting is the key...

Yep that is what I am doing...wasting time. I am laying on the couch with my laptop blogging. Jason and Colton have gone to practice, the others have gone swimming. It is me and the dog and she is whining. Today I have been asking myself a lot of questions...some productive, others not so much. I preached recently that we should make sure that the names we call ourselves match with the names that God would call us, and I think as a woman- we struggle with that. We sometimes use words to describe ourselves that we have heard others call us, ugly, fat, rude, beautiful, skinny, kind, etc...It is easy to get caught up in the words that go through our mind and lose sight of the peace that God would like for us to experience through his words. I am trying to digest all of that. When we realize that to some people we may never be good enough, or they may never like us, that isn't our problem anymore- it is theirs and when we hold on it to- it holds us in bondage. Not them but us. I don't like the idea of being in bondage. I don't like the thought that because I am hurt and hold on to things I keep myself in bondage- that does not sound like the freedom that God has to offer us. So why do we do it? I think it is because we get comfortable with it. It becomes our badge, our suit of armor and other times I think we hold on to it because it is the only thing we have that connects us to those people. If we don't have the bad, then we have nothing and that also brings pain.  The bright side- there is healing- we just have to be willing to look at the wounds that are down deep and see them for what they are and ask God, the ultimate Healer, to mend what is broken and restore us. 

I sometimes look at new chapters of life with anticipation, excitement and wonder. And other times I look at them with fear, anxiety, and uncertainty. While other times I feel all of those emotions when starting a new chapter. That is how it feels right now. All of those emotions are at play as we start a new chapter. School is over for me, Jason is diligently praying and seeking clarity for the future. Change is not always easy- in fact most of the time change is hard. Mostly I think because it requires us to be vulnerable and open to what is going to happen. It might require things that are painful for us to let go of...but on the other side- we find that it was all for the best. It is the process that is difficult. Its waiting for the next step that causes us to squirm and begin to be uncomfortable. Sometimes the next step takes more faith than we think we have- but didn't He say if we have faith as a mustard seed- that was enough? Didn't he say, we just had to trust him? It comes from giving up our will and resting in His. I get it- easier said than done. but rewarding- dont' you think? 

Coming to a place in your walk with Christ that you can really trust him to do what is best for you is a process. and it takes us dying to self everyday- and for me sometimes every minute. The last couple of weeks have been really hard as I look at who I am, or who I think I am or who I want to be and matching that up to what God sees, wants and has made. It takes us - me- looking deep within and asking tough questions. Realizing that sometimes in life we will value things that God doesn't value and we have to realign ourselves with him. 

Realignment isn't always easy- it means we give up things, some good, some bad that have been distracting us from the most important things. I am working on finishing my sermon series on Spiritual Formation and learning to give up control to the one who has everything under control is really the best thing we can do! 

You would think by now nothing would surprise me! However, sometimes people's behavior still does. I mean really its like some people can't make it through their day without being mean and ugly.  I don't get it. I wish I did. People used to say that time heals all wounds- I don't think I buy that. I have waited for years for a situation to be better and as of this date- it isn't better. People are still rude, people are still uncaring and just plain hurtful.  You can call it whatever you want- you can even claim to be a Christ follower- but Jesus at no point modeled that kind of behavior.  Extending grace, holding my head up high, remembering there is nothing I can do it about is sometimes easier said than done.  I keep asking myself what in the world can I say or do to make it better? Then on the flip side I ask myself how am I really making it worse? I don't get it. and trying to get it is frustrating. 

On another, note school is done. I have completed all of my assignments for IWU. I will now wait and see what the final grades will reveal and hopefully I will pass the one class I was worried about. At this point I don't want to go back to school- like ever- but maybe after I take a break- a long one! I will feel differently! I am glad It is over. I have enjoyed the last couple of days with no homework. I didn't know how big of a pressure it was until it was over. It feels great! I am excited to focus a little more on the kids, my husband, my house and my calling. 

Today I have marked several assignments off of the list... this is it the last week of school. Next week I am going to do nothing. I think I might spend hours in front of the TV watching mindless shows that have no meaning. Or I may sleep- okay I probably won't do any of those- but a person's can dream right?  I know that to get there I have to get through this week and that is my only goal to get through this week and to say its over! Then for real next week, I will start really looking at life and beginning working towards make some choices that are best for my family.  This has been a brutal year- I am ready to be with my kids without worrying about my next school deadline. I am ready to have some down time. I am ready to get clarity on my next step. 

It is 9:30 and I would like to get one more assignment started before I go to bed...so good night world!