I have like 6 blog post moving around in  my head. So, this one will be more random, as I finish up the others and will post them over the next couple of days. I have been reading in the book of Deuteronomy. Moses and the Israelite intrigue me. Pastor Tom mentioned to us recently that when we read the Bible we should try to place ourselves in their story, instead of reading it like we know the end of the story already ( because we do, so that perspective doesn't always allow us to see it clearly.) So I tried that. And here Moses is, he has been on the Mountain with God himself, and God gives him the 10 Commandments. And yet, the Israelite's do things that make God angry and they all suffer the consequences. Moses wasn't allowed to go into the Promise Land.  The people were never happy, they whined and complained. They didn't get along with each other and they always blamed Moses and God. They aren't too much different than myself I am afraid. I make messes, then I need someone to blame and God always seems like a good choice ( or not) They didn't seem to learn the lesson. God is faithful...always...he works miracle after miracle to prove his power to us and show us his love and we still...complain. It is never enough. They had to wandered around in the wilderness for 40 years...40 years, a whole generation had to die before they could enter, what God had promised them. As I am approaching a birthday, the reality of what 40 year is, is staring at me in the face...and NO I am not going to be 40! That is still a few years off- but it is closer than I wish it were. How many times has God tried to teach me something and has proven he is trustworthy, and I still whine and complain and try to do it my way...and yet God keeps pursuing, still providing, still comforting, still loving, still holding, still promising, still extending his hand of mercy and grace, still performing miracles... Wow! He is an amazing God. I am working on trusting him more. Relying on him more. Trusting him more. And trust doesn't come easy for me. It takes a lot for me to really trust people, and when trust is broken, I tend to put walls up to protect myself. But the reality is God is always trust worthy! Always. He has my best interest at heart. He wants what is best for me. I just have to walk open handed and open hearted to him...

I know weird title...but here goes. A week ago, last Sunday- January 22- I committed to drink nothing but water until after Easter. Now i know lent doesn't start yet, and it really doesn't have to do with that. I am pretty addicted to coke- not the illegal kind, the kind that comes in a can, from sonic, in a 2 liter, well you get the idea. I love going to Sonic and getting a Large Coke with extra ice, wow my mouth is watering just typing it! But anyway, I felt compelled to give it up. For many reasons and it is personal so those reasons wont' be found in the context of this blog...maybe later it will show up. So last Monday, I stole my husband's water bottle from his new job, it holds 20 ounces, and i filled it up with water- H2O kind. And my goal was to drink 6 of those a day ( 120 oz. a day) yikes. I hate water! But the first day I did 5! I was pretty impressed. It has been a week, and I have stuck with it. I do on average of 7 a day. That is a lot of water!  But the point is I want to be filled with The Living Water- Christ. Everyday, All day. Drinking water helps me refocus on him. I do miss coke, i am literally praying every time I pass Sonic to not stop. Being filled with the Living Water isn't just a once and your fixed thing...it is over and over allowing Him to fill you. And to be filled, we must go to the Well. We have to be intentional about refilling our souls. Every time I refill my water bottle, I mentally take note of my need to be refilled with the Spirit.  

I haven't blogged for a while. 19 days to be exact. Some of the reasons for that will find there way out of my heart and mind on to this page through my fingers. While the other reasons will stay lodged somewhere in between. The thing about blogs is that they are highly personal and yet highly public. We ( the blogger) type down our lives on the world wide web ( which apparently is one more thing our government wants to control but that is a blog for a different day) for others to read. I am sure that my grandparents have a hard time grasping the idea of an online journal so to speak. When the world just a few years ago didn't speak about certain things in public. and yet today, Not only do I blog but I find myself on several social media sites where things are seen. I really can't grasp what some put on their pages for all to see but somehow they all justify it as good or authentic. But again that is not the point of this blog.

When I think about how my life is playing out, the good, the bad and the ugly, I am reminded there is nothing hidden from the One who sees us as we are, in all of our brokenness, pride, tired state of being. He Sees us and to be seen by the Unseen is humbling. To know that he takes time ( what's time to the one who holds eternity in his hands?!) to see me. He doesn't just pretend to know about my thoughts, my struggles, my hang ups, but he actually knows. When know one else is looking, he sees and he speaks. Who are you when no one else is looking? Is it the same person people think you are at church? Work? School? home? Are you really living out your faith? Do you listen to God when he speaks? Because lets face it, we are the only one who knows when we are not doing what God has called us to do. We can pretend pretty well, that we have it all figured out, but we know on the inside who we really are. What God directs us to do is between us and him? and if we listen and obey is between us and him. However, this brings me to this...sometimes who we think we are is not all what God thinks of us. So when we stand before the mirror, we need to make sure we are looking into the eyes of our Abba Father, not into the eyes of our past and our emotions. Those are not indicators of who we are. Who we are is what God created us to be. We have to be moldable in his hands so that we do not deceive ourselves into thinking we have it all together. I am learning more and more that I don't have it together, on my own strength and knowledge I fail. and I usually fail big time. But when I understand that HE SEES ME! and He is for me as Mark Batterson says in his new book " The Circle Maker"  He is for us, we need to determine in our minds before we even breathe a prayer that HE is for us. He wants good for us, not evil. His good is often times different than mine. I tend to have a plan and think it is a good one only to find out he has a way better one and it is awesome. The bumps I get along the road usually come at my own hand of not trusting, and trying to work it out myself. 

Ministry, parenting, marriage are all huge stress makers. They are also huge blessings. Being a woman in ministry is no easy task. Even in a church that pioneered the way for Women in ministry there is still obstacles and challenges. Being a mom to 4 kids in a culture that teaches no truth, and hammers them daily with unbelievable pressure is difficult. Being a wife, and trying to not let the world says a woman should be effect how you interact in marriage. Being seen by the Unseen- is humbling. Because it is there that I know, he is holding it all together...not me. He sees- he understands- he holds. He goes before us and he is FOR US. He is for me. He is for you. 

Today I had the privilege of being a vessel that God used to accomplish His will. As I prepared for today, I was struck with how little I am and how Big God is. We are here for a time such as this. Over the the last year, God has used the Story of Esther to transform my life. God has woven her into my life. I have come to label 2011 as the year of Esther. The lessons that I learned and the truth that has been breathed into my life are too many to lay out here. But the reality is God uses everything to accomplish His will. Finding His will is one thing, accepting it is another and running to it with all that you are is where he wants us to be. Today, I placed the challenge that we step our feet into the ocean of his grace, and go where he leads. Be willing to be Sent! Be willing to grow up in our faith. Be willing to not just seek the Kingdom but to seek the heart of the King.  I a humbled by his grace. I know there is no other place I want to be than right in the center of his will. I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God meet with us this morning. It was a great way to start 2012. 

I started reading a new book called "The Circle Maker" by Mark Batterson. Wow! It is powerful. ( and I might add a little convicting...) Praying...do I believe in the power of prayer? Do I fully grasp ( not sure really any of us can fully grasp the power) the power that we have when we pray? Today, challenged by the book I did some circling...First of all, I went to my church, the place I worship, the place I work, the place I choose to build community with a local body of believers, and I circled. I circled the inside, I circled the outside, and I prayed that somehow God would use me there and that those who enter through the doors will have a life changing God altering experience in their lives, their homes, their jobs and their hearts.  That we wouldn't simply come together once or twice a week for the sake of it but we would come together because our lives literally depended on it. Mark ask the question in the book, " do we even know what to circle or to pray for?" This morning I prayed that BreakPointe wouldn't simply be a building, but it would reach the community for Christ. That we would have renewed vision and purpose. that we would build lasting relationship that don't just simply last for this lifetime but for eternally. Could my prayer be more specific? yes I beleive it can and I am asking God to show what to ask in His name that will bring Him glory. 

Then on the way home I made a little detour through Corporate Woods. Starting Monday Jason will begin a job there. So I drove around the building several times, circling and asking God to protect Jason, give him wisdom, that Jason's light will shine brightly at his new company. That God will bless Jason and do the immeasurably more. I prayed that Satan would have no strong hold there. 

Then my last stop, my home. The neighbors probably thought I was crazy- which is a whole other blog- but I walked around my home, praying for my kids, my marriage, my future son and daughter in laws, and their families. I prayed that this house on the corner will be a light of Hope, and a safe place for all that enter. I prayed that God will use each one of us for his kingdom. That doing his will won't just be something we talk about but that we will run after with all that we are. I prayed that generational issues will not be passed down because Jason and I made the stake in ground that says no more... we are going to change history. That we will build an alter in which we remember that God saved us and has protected us from so much. I prayed that Satan will not have any say inside this circle. 

Here at my desk, I begin to draw circles on paper, and in those circles I begin to write the names of those I love very much.  I can't physically circle them today but I am praying by name for them and pleading the blood of Jesus Christ over them. That the choices that they are making, that the culture in which they are listening too, will have no more power in their lives. That God will break through and bring healing, and forgiveness and grace. 

What are you circling? Read the book... "The Circle Maker" by Mark Batterson. But more importantly begin praying. 

We spend so much time preparing for the day. We decorate the house, we spend hours shopping for the perfect gift, we cook and bake and then the day comes- and goes. Christmas this year was a great day. We enjoyed spending the day with our kids, our family and friends. We worshiped, we celebrated and we loved. 

Our Christmas started on Christmas Eve. We came home as a family, just the 6 of us and ate some tacos, watched "White Christmas" and then for the first time since the beginning of our family, we opened presents on Christmas Eve- it was really close ( 45 mins) from Christmas morning. The kids loved it. Then we went to bed and woke up and went to church. It was a great way to spend Christmas! 

Jason is in the last week of his job in Lee's Summit. And as each day passes we get more and more excited about his job just down the street from our house. More and more excited at the possibilities this new job will bring. 

Today I have been pretty reflective of the year 2011, it has been filled with ups and downs. It has taught me many things and it has left me realizing how much Jesus cares and sees me. There are just a few days left of this year and I have so much I want to accomplish yet this year. I am working hard on getting them marked off my to do list. It also has me reflecting on what I want 2012 look like. Not really resolutions, but things I want to see differently for next year. Letting go of things, and developing more self discipline in my life. Ahh, I think those things make the list every year...

Christmas may be over, but I am going to try to add a favorite thing to the end of each blog- or a blessing. Because it really does change the way I feel and think. 

Favorite thing- Evenings spent at home just doing nothing. Hanging out with the people I love, enjoying the things that make me happy. Resting in the warmth of God's embrace. 

Answers to prayer- One big and one small. Charlie is back in the hospital and over the weekend, he was doing very well. But today, they ( Dr's.) are feeling good about the treatment plan and will be sending him home within a few days. Praise the Lord! 
Small one- Kailyn was born with an extra baby tooth between her front baby tooth and her permanent tooth. Over a year ago, she had surgery to remove the extra baby tooth. The permanent tooth still did not come down, so she went back in for surgery and a lasso was tied around the tooth to try to bring it down. At her last Ortho visit, they told us we were going to have to go back for another surgery, the tooth had moved down but would not come through the gum. So Kailyn and I cont' to pray that somehow that tooth would come down and she would not have to go back to surgery. and today...the tooth made its appearance. Kailyn and I were so excited. We thank the Lord that he hears all of our prayers!

Favorite things are hard to think of when you spend the whole day running from place to place looking for the gifts you vowed last year you would not wait as long to buy. When at 10:30 pm, you look at the almost empty shelves and say I don't care...just buy it. Every year I say, I will not wait until the last minute and every year I find myself here...frustrated, tired and almost loathing the season. Now I realize i have spent the last few days talking about my love for Christmas and I do... It is just easy to get so blinded by all the stuff we forget to slow down and enjoy it. Tomorrow I am hoping to wake up early run to the store for those last minute things and then turn my focus to what is important. We will have a Christmas Eve service tomorrow and then a Christmas morning service. The focus will be Christ- he has come for you, for me...

So for the sake of favorite things here goes a few more...

Music- I love music! Music has away of getting into your emotions. There is music that helps me worship, music that makes me want to dance and have fun, there is music that makes me sad, music that reflect. I like a wide variety of music and different kinds bring back different memories. 

Cheesecake- yummy Cheesecake! I haven't tasted a cheesecake that I didn't like. Someday I will try to make one..

This one is a secret so don't tell- I love to watch IU Basketball with my husband. He has me hooked what can I say. I get nervous when it is a close game and I have learned which college basketball coaches I like, and which ones I don't. If you can't beat them, join em! 

Christmas Eve is in 4 minutes, I can't believe Christmas is 1 Day away! 

Grace...I don't deserve it. I haven't earned it. I can't really understand it fully. I don't always give it. And yet I find myself swimming in it. Grace... God's grace. He gives it. He gives us grace when our hearts are broken. He gives us grace when we are in over our heads. he gives us grace when we fall on our face. He gives it...freely and it did through his Son. Who came in the most humble of ways. Grace wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a manger. Grace that was held in the arms of his mother, Mary. Grace that the shepherds bowed down in front of. Grace that grew to be man. Grace that hung on tree. Grace that died. Grace that conquered death, hell and grave. Grace that rose from the dead. Grace came so that I could live. 

Christmas is 4 days away! I can't believe it. I am so not ready. I have very few gifts bought, I have not gone grocery shopping or done any cards. I have however, spent time with my kids in the last week that has been priceless. Tonight we are going to have a family night, homemade soup, Christmas movie and pictures in front of the tree. I bought us all Santa's hat! I can't wait to take pictures. The kids aren't all that excited but someday, hopefully they will appreciate them.  

I have not yet blogged about this, but Jason got a new job. He will start the new year with a new company. He is so excited about it. It has great opportunity for him. I am praying that this will take some stress off of him. This is something we have been praying about for quite sometime. God's timing is always perfect I just have a hard time remembering that in the wait. 

I am extremely excited to have next week off with my kids. I have told them like a hundred times that we will be redoing the family room and Dad's office next week.  I want to make the office a craft room/ scrapbook room. Then clean the family room up and decided what we want to do with the space. The kids have been camping out upstairs and not using downstairs, so I want to get it cleaned up, and cleaned out and talk about  what the room can be- that we all can enjoy. I hope I can get it done. 

I am extremely blessed this season. Life is full, challenges and circumstances are tough but God is faithful. He has never let me down and I know that no matter what I go through, he is faithful. God is good. 

Favorite things- 

The smell of clean laundry. ( all the laundry done and put away would be a huge favorite thing- it just doesn't happen very often.)

Hearing my kids laugh- that sound never gets old! I love it!

When Jason comes up behind me and puts him arms around my waist and kisses me on the cheek! There is nothing that compares to that feeling. 

When I get to be part of someone's life transformation. To watch someone give their live to Christ and watch them grow in their faith. 

Shopping- its shallow I know. But I do love to shop- I just wish my funds were unlimited and I could shop more often. 

I love giving gifts- all year long I love to give gifts. this leads to more shopping! :) 

I love fresh snow on the ground that has not been dirtied by anyone or anything. 

Lilacs- I love the color and the smell. Probably my favorite flower( the rose might be a close second)

Clean house! I love when everything is clean and put away. 

I hope all of you can think of favorite things and smile because God has blessed you with so much! 

Today one of my favorite people in the world stopped by to see me. Lora, my dear friend. She has 5 amazing children, and she has a pretty great husband, Travis. But don't tell him I said so! Lora and I have known each other for years...I have no idea when we meet, and I really don't know how our friendship grew to be what it is today but I am so thankful for her. She is my friend that gets how much I love being a mom. She understands that after you have 3 kids you really don't know the difference anymore. She understands that laundry is always calling our name, and dishes will actually never be done. And having babies is one of our favorite things. She has a new little one and i am so glad I got to snuggle him today but I also got to hug her other 4 kids that I have had the privilege of being part of their lives. 

Last Night, another one of my favorite things happened, It was sister, cousin annual ornament exchange. Every year, Jenny, Tammy, Kendra and Sheryl and I go for an ornament exchange. A couple of years ago we added our other sister Pam to the group and she completes us. We have so much fun laughing, eating, shopping and enjoying each other. We try to get together for our birthdays and other special occasions. It is always a good time and moments I will cherish forever. 

I seem to have several favorite things. One of my other favorite things is reading my Bible. I have so many "favorite" verses. But one of them that stands out to me is " Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5, I love that I can trust him with everything. My other verse that I quote a lot is "if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself." 2 Tim. 2:13. I love that even when I lack faith he is faithful. He cannot deny who he is. His very being is faithful. That gives me great hope. 

A list of favorite things leads to counting your blessings!