i am finding that I am praying for wisdom a lot these days. Wisdom on how to raise a growing family, wisdom on being a pastor, wisdom on how to handle our finances, wisdom on school. This has been a pretty stressful couple of months. My school load right now seems overbearing, and as I think about dropping this class and having a 5 week break, I wonder is that really the right thing. I ask for wisdom, I pray for wisdom- It seems like if i could just breathe...If I could just catch my breathe for one minute, think clearly then I would know what direction I should go. Creating those spaces where we just seek clarity for the next step. Been studying the books of Paul, we focused on Timothy and Titus in our last week of class, and I was struck with the huge responsibility it was  and is to be a leader. Paul was encouraging these 2 young leaders. Paul gave some standards for leadership in these books. I read them, then I reread them. As I read them over and over- God was speaking. Are there areas I need to improve- yes- it was convicting. So I have been praying that God would show which step to take first- because there are areas- not just area- which means we have a lot of work to do. God and I. The thing is, the work doesn't scare Him, It terrifies me. But he is prepared. Just waiting for me to be the willing participant. Then it comes the work- change- I have to make changes. I have to practice self-control and self discipline. I have to be willing to practice the spiritual disciplines that I need to, to be in the place God can work and speak... Seeking wisdom- seeking solitude. Everything I do I want to be pleasing and God honoring. Every conversation, every interaction is God shining through? Is that not how we are suppose to live. Wisdom of the how raise kids in a very broken culture. A culture that screams at them their worth is found in how they  look and  what success they obtain. A culture that shows them multiple images a day of sex, violence and other things that are not true or godly. These are my kids- their very souls- there is a battle raging for victory over them. What to I do to win this battle? This battle is fought on my knees. This battle requires wisdom as we say yes to this activity, no to this show or movie or game, yes to this relationship no to the other. Guarding our children from the arrows that will most definitely be thrown at them. Preparing them to stand on their own when they have to face the arrows by themselves. Giving them a firm foundation to stand on when the storms roll all around them. Wisdom- yes I am seeking a lot of wisdom right now. James 1:5 " If you need wisdom,ask our generous God, and he will give it to you.  He will  not rebuke you for asking.But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God Alone." See- we just have to ask. It sounds so easy. The second part says that will give it to us. I think it left out a part- when will he give it to us? Again, I say, I am seeking wisdom. I am praying every day- some days every hour or minute for wisdom, direction. Here is the thing I have learned though- sometimes I can find wisdom, by simply picking up the Word. Some of the things we seek wisdom for are outlined His love story to us. So today, I continue on my journey with God, seeking him, being willing to do the hard stuff and waiting on Him for the next step. 

It seems like a simple question. Most of us start the day by getting out of bed but that really is not what I am looking for. How do you start your day? Some of you would answer with a big cup of coffee, that wakes you up and helps you feel like facing everything else. Some of you would say, I start my day by rushing around getting everyone ready. How do we start our day? Does it matter? My days start with alarm clock beeping at me. My thoughts begin racing with all I have to do, I get up and start the race for the day. I was struck this morning, how I do not want everyday to be a race. I want to enjoy the mornings I have looking in on my sleeping children, listening to the birds outside, and kissing my husband goodbye before he leaves. You see today is our gift. Each moment we have is just another reminder that God has given us more time to be the person he created us to be. I was thinking about those two words "to be" what if we could just "be" today? what if we were thankful for everything we were blessed enough to be part of? The good and the bad? How can we slow down the race to just "be"? how can I find the time with God and my family I so desperately ache for. It is does not come by starting my day racing. It comes by starting my day reflecting. it starts with a prayer, and quieting of my heart before God. Crying out to him, Today is yours- let everything I do, be pleasing to you, help me not take one thing for granted. Nothing- help me to look for God moments- because they are there. Psalms 46:10 states" Be still and Know that I am God" see that word again Be, we have to quiet our hearts and our racing minds and BE still before God.

I am working on starting my day differently, change is hard to do and old habits die hard but it is time to start my day more focused on who created me than what I have to do. When we are out of control God never is...but how much better is it when we start our day seeking the one who always is in control. I want to make it more intentional-

How do you start your day? are you running the rat race or are you meeting with the One who has gifted you with this day!

I so desperately want to be that mom...you know the one...the one that always smiles, she never raises her voice and keeps everything together all the time. My reality is I am not that mom. I get upset when chores are left undone, the laundry pile never gets smaller, and the kids look at you like you might actually be from mars. Today, I woke up feeling like it was all out of control. Things were out of place, demanding my attention. Screaming for me to notice. When I closed my eyes last night, i went right to sleep- for 30 mins, then I woke up, my brain running faster and faster with each Tic- tock that went by. I wanted to sleep, but it all seemed big. The To do list was growing and I only have 24 hours. It is funny how this day is following yesterday. Yesterday we took a sabbath. We rested, we played and loved on our kids. Today, the serenity of yesterday a memory and the demands of today are forcing my attention. I ask when did it all get so out of control- I think it starts with me. There is literally a laundry basket full of papers and mail that need attention at the foot of my bed. My desk is stacked so high, i pray every time I walk by it the mountain does not slide because it would be an avalanche. Dirty laundry baskets full and overflowing in my bathroom. Laundry baskets full of clean clothes in my living room. Where do you find peace when it feels like your whole world is out of control. Every room, every detail, seems to be needing order...

God is never out of control. And when I find myself having one of these days, I take comfort in that fact. I also see where in these moments, his gentle hand is on my back, he mouth is whispering in my ear, he is holding me. To help me regain my focus, to see the big picture. the one that says you are okay, your family is healthy and whole. You are standing in the middle of my will. To understand that there are steps to take to bring life back under control. It takes intentional steps of slowing down, doing the things that need to be done. Not just the urgent but the important. It might mean saying No to something and Yes to something else. It might mean ignoring the pile of laundry to share a laugh or hug. It might even mean putting myself in time out to create a pause and see the situation for what it really is.

Oh to be that Mom! To be that Woman of God. I make progress on days only to take a few steps back, but I am not giving up. I will keep pushing forward. Even in the midst of the out of control.

I am learning lessons. Some I have enjoyed learning, others not so much. I am finding that whether I like or not, my kids will continue to get bigger and grow up. They will make their own choices, some of them will hurt them, and probably me, and others will make them shine. I am realizing that my time with my kids all under our roof is on the last chapter. I also see how this year has been marked with pain, joy, and unexpected moments of God's grace on our family. This week I have had some great unexpected, unrushed moments with my kids. Last night, it was just Jordan and i at home around 9:30 and he said "hey mom wanna play domino's?" I was tired and really wanted to take a warm bath and go to bed but I told him sure- to set up. So he did. We played two games, I won one he won one. When we were finishing up the last game, Jason and Colton came in and I cleaned up the game. But this is what happen, and I took a picture of the moment on my internal hard drive and I hope it stays with me forever- after a few minutes I was still at the kitchen table and Jordan pokes his head around the corner and says " Hey mom- thanks for playing me. I love you." and he walked away. It was an unexpected, unplanned simple moment that melted my heart. What seemed like something so small to me, was huge to him. Those are the times you see how important relationships are. I had a mommy date with Jordan right here in my kitchen and it cost me nothing but time. How many times I have not been willing to pay with time? How many of these types of things have I missed because I thought I didn't have time? Michelle Anthony once said " the days are long but the years are short" That is so true. It won't be long and Jordan will graduate from High School , he will pursue his dreams and he won't have time for game of domino's around the kitchen table. But for today, he just might. He just still might think Mom is ok and spending time with me isn't so bad. I think I better reevaluate where I am spending my time. I think it is probably ok to let somethings go, they will still be waiting on me when the kids are gone. Relationships matter, people matter, investing in them is important....

I was praying this morning, seeking God to give me direction. I have to preach this weekend. What an awesome responsibility. Wanting the message from your heart to be not just your words but those from God, for that time and place. Meant for that group of people. Words that transform and empower. Words are just words unless we take them to heart and allow them to change us. Change me. I find that in writing sermons, God is using them to change me. To help me realize the things that I too need to work on. As I prayed this morning, I need Him, my Abba, to show me to direct me. My words aren't good enough. He has to pour out His Spirit to make them effective. I began to pray for my heart to be changed. That I too will allow Him to work in the soil of my heart. I had two sermons before me, both I need as much as anyone else. And as I read them and then read a devotional, I knew which way I would go. I would preach the one now and the other one in August. God knows who will be here on both of those sermons. He knows what I need too. Thankfully.

I read another blog today about rest- and true rest comes from Him and only from Him. I am hoping to today to find my rest in Him. To understand a little more of what it looks like to crawl up in Abba's lap and rest. To allow Him to work in my heart and find the place where true rest is found.

Tonight was one of those nights I just needed to be normal...i know some of you are saying Gina- you are never normal. Or what is normal exactly. To me normal is fixing dinner, all of us eating it together , then doing things around our home. That's what we did tonight. Jason grilled and we had an amazing dinner. Then I went out to do one of the most therapeutic things for me, and that is work in the flowers and pull the weeds. We are rarely home and the yard was looking very neglected. I love having my fingers in the dirt. Pulling the weeds that seem to grow right up the middle of every plant. I can work there and all the stress and junk that is weighing me down slips away. I think about how the good comes right up with the bad and if we leave the bad there ( the weeds) it overtakes the good. Much like life. We have to do frequent weeding to maintain the good.  I spent hours working out there tonight. I am not done but it looks a little better. I made progress. I can see where I have been and I can see what still needs to be done. Then it got dark and I couldn't see anymore so we all came in. The kids were playing a game and I made them some cupcakes. It was just a normal mom thing to do. It felt nice. So at 10:30 at night, I was baking cupcakes. Not because I had too but because I wanted too. Just to be normal. Just to be Gina- the mom.

It was just one of those days. When with each beat of my heart, I felt like my chest might explode. Situations that need answers, that I do not have. Lessons I need to learn, children who need me to teach them. A husband who needs a wife. Then there was the encounter with God at the grocery store- I often wonder why God chooses to talk to us in the places that he does. I mean seriously is Hyvee the best place to have a conversation? Crying women going up and down the aisle tends to draw attention. But we are talking about God, and he can talk to us whenever he chooses- we just need to listen. I guess he thought I would listen best today at Hyvee. So as you can see, I just needed normal tonight. God knew I needed normal tonight. It was his gift to me. I am thankful.

Tomorrow will be another day-it will start just like any other day and I will be torn between jobs, tasks, parenting, being a wife and many other things, and that will be normal. Who knows I might even have another God encounter at Hyvee. But whatever the day holds, God has it all  under control. He doesn't need my help- he has... I just have to trust his timing in everything.

First of all let me say! Happy father's day! I am blessed to have many great men in my life who have made a positive impact on me.
 A.L Hayton, my grandfather, was an amazing man of God, who I am sure had faults, but I did not see them. I miss him and I wish he could see who I am today. I hope he would be proud.
 Roger, my dad, he did a great job of being my dad and loving me even when I probably wasn't very lovable. He worked many long hours to provide for me. I am sure that some days he wished he wasn't coming home to an empty house and  a little girl, but he did it everyday. Thank you dad. I love you.
Charlie, my step-dad, who no matter how snotty and hateful I was, loved me anyway. I am thankful you stuck around and are part of our lives today.
Jason, my husband...so much I could say and yet I don't know where to start. You and I no one thought would last and yet we have built our family together one brick at a time. You show amazing strength in the face of difficulty, you love unconditionally, and you ask for so little in return. You have made decisions that changed the course of history for your kids and their kids. You are loved and appreciated. You model for your kids what it means to love your wife and cherish her. You model for your kids what it means to love and serve God. you listen, you love and you hold all of us when we need it. We love you. I love you. And Thank you.
Tom- my boss, my pastor, my friend. Much I could say but I will simply say, Thank you for believing in me...everyday! I appreciate it more than I could ever put into words.
Happy Father's Day! I love you all and hope that today you knew you were loved.

On another note, I have been sick... sicker than I have been in years. I have basically laid in bed for 3 days. This has not been easy for me at all. I feel behind on everything. But laying in bed sicker than a dog has a way of making you think about a lot of things.  Probably not new thoughts just some reminder. I will share them with you.
1. I do not like being alone and without social interaction. I had to miss the last night of VBS, and church this morning.  I had to miss Jordan singing in Honors Choir. It just about killed me. I ached to be there. Seriously. It was difficult. Now for those of you who have known me a long time... you are going Duh! I like being around people. I am a little social ( okay maybe a lot)
2. Sometimes you have to be forced to rest- I don't like this one either. Resting is not something I do very often, and I should. I have had the last 3 days to think about a lot of things. Some I needed too, others I wish I didn't have to and yet others that I didn't need too.
3. Satan uses times when you are low to attack even harder. Honestly, i am ready for him ( satan) to move on. I am tired of his assaults and worn down. I do not like the things Satan is saying right now. I do not like how he is using things and people to throw daggars in my direction. I do not like feeling defeated.
4. Being sick made me make a very difficult decision. one I did not enjoy making, and the feelings that accompanied that were like a further kick in the gut. I was suppose to preach today. And finally at 9:00 last night, I knew that would not be possible. Making that call was hard but I know the right one.
5. Kids do not like it when their mom is sick. They may not like it when I am well either, but I need to be well.

So there are a few things that went across my mind in the last 3 days. Trust me there was more but this blog would be way too long. I did get some rest, but now I am behind on school work, and other important things.

Also, during this time Jason's grandma Todd died. He will be going to the funeral tomorrow, while I stay here for Jordan's surgery he is having on Tuesday. I think I need a vacat

So today it has rained pretty much all day. It is cool, damp, and gloomy. That is kind of how I would describe my mood today too. Gloomy. We have been fighting with AT &T since May 4 over taking a payment out of our account more than once. Since that time we have had over a thousand dollars in fee. They are not wanting to pay, and finally today we went to our bank and the bank manager called ATT. They say they are working on it. But good grief. This causes some pretty major messes...that will take some time I am sure to clean up. It is frustrating. and a little overwhelming.

School is overwhelming right now too. The class I am in, American Literature, is very time consuming. A lot of reading, a lot of writing. and it is the end of the school year which means life in general is crazy. The kids will be at of school at the end of this month, and we will get Brooklyn ready for high school It just doesn't seem possible. Wasn't it just yesterday I held her in my arms? Time, there never seems to be enough of it.

So, there are so many things going on right now and frankly sometimes I feel like I am in over my head. I mean seriously over my head. People having major crisis, families needing complete healing, relationships that need mended and burdens that need to be lifted. I am thankful that I serve a God who does not become overwhelmed with the hurts and pains that are all around us. I am so glad he hears and understands each one. And he is never once caught off guard by any circumstance or crisis. He is prepared and has already gone to where we each our going.

Job lost everything he had within a matter of minutes and you know what his response was?? "At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship" Job 1:20. He worshiped. I wish I was in that place, when the first thing I did in the midst of a crisis was fall to the ground and worship. Being in the presence of The MOST Holy God, is our privilege and God wants to meet us there. Nothing happens to us that doesn't first pass through Him. Oh that I might worship Him.

So tonight, in the midst of my this gloomy day, I am going to have a worship service, right here in my living room. Praising the God who loves me and holds me in His arms. He has everything, every detail already worked out in every situation. S

The kids are in bed. The dog is asleep at my feet. Jason is at practice. The house is quiet. Except for the interruption of  thunder. Sometimes that is how my heart feels, we are moving a long quietly and calmly only to be interrupted by clack of thunder. Everytime you log into facebook the question is ask " what's on your mind?" I think that might be a loaded question. I mean most days are mind are a race track of to do list, important information, things to remember, phone calls to make, dinner to fix, kids to transport. I mean really, our minds are full. So how come we jump when the thunder breaks our silence? Some time we need the thunder to wake us up and show us there is a storm coming. Other times we need the thunder to show us that we are on the wrong path. And sometimes we just need the thunder to remind us that we were getting way to comfortable in status qua. I know that we don't enjoy the storms that usually come with thunder, but often time the storm is just what we need.

So I am setting here in my chair listening to the thunder. Thinking about where I am, where I am going and where I have been. Reflecting on the fact that God and I have weathered many storms and He always brings me through. Reminding myself that He will continue to be faithful in any future storms or ones I may be going through now. You see I know that their is a purpose for the storm, I may never get to know why but it serves a purpose.

I will blog about preaching my first sermon on Mother's day soon. Right now, I need to listen to the thunder...

What not to wear? I am sure most of you have watched the show on TLC. They take people who they think can't dress themselves (and most of them really do need help) and take them from frumpy to fashionable, ugly to beautiful and out dated to modern chic. At our mother daughter sister friend brunch today this was our theme- what not to wear. This was my first time to speak at a something like this. As I talked about the things we tend to wear or accessorize with I was struck with the fact that it is pretty easy to fall into some pretty unflattering patterns. Luckily for us we can throw away these things and put on some more flattering traits.

It was a good day. I was struck with the power of God in my life. When you open your mouth to speak and you hear not your confidence but God's it is truly amazing! I am humbled that God has called me to be His hands and feet. ( and sometimes His mouth piece)

So tonight I am going to bed anticipating what God has in store for tomorrow and thankful for the blessings of today.