I have more questions than answers tonight. I find myself typing this out with tears streaming down my face, and my chest feels so tight I think I might choke. I don’t understand and trust me, I get I don’t have to understand. I found myself today saying something I have said to a 100 people… our circumstances don’t take God by surprise! but man do they take us by surprise? I found myself angry, confused, tired, and ready to give up. And while all those emotions are still circling around my heart and mind I have to see them as they are… as emotions- feelings.
And I am wresting with what God is doing in this season. Pastors wrestle too. Pastors have bad days and bad weeks. We get overwhelmed and tired. Don’t worry I have heard from the Pastors who say they don’t or if you do then somehow you don’t love your job or aren’t called… or whatever else. But the reality is… I am fully human, I just happened to be a pastor. No superpowers here. Just a 40 year old wife, mom and pastor who every day is trying to figure this thing out called life. Every day wondering and praying I made the right decisions and discerned the right way the voice of Jesus.
And I am sick to death of the voices in my head, and the social media interactions, and the lack of return calls and messages being okay. Because they aren’t. I am sick of bantering be kind, stop the division, have healthy relationships, surrender all to God, because it is all his anyway, when none of it seems to matter…
Tomorrow will be better- I will be able to go through all my emotions, and questions and hopefully surrender and silence all the voices and chatter that doesn’t belong to God…until then I’ll soak up the birds chirping, the sunset and my favorite people in the world.
I found a piece of art recently and hung it in on my wall- it simply said “she designed the life she loved.” Everyday I look at it and it reminds me I have choices to make. Choices to make that will help me live a life I love. There are so many things I love! But the reminder each day staring at me helps me make choices that help create spaces and places for those things I love.
Over the past few months I have been processing through quite a bit. My reading list has included, Present Over Perfect, Breaking Busy, Uninvited, Surrender, High Impact Leader, Strengthening the Soul of your Leadership… just to name a few. They all have similar themes and through it I have found myself working on some things. Praying over even more and being pretty vulnerable before the Lord.
A couple of post ago I talked about doing something new, it was coming but I never fully said what it was. And the reality is the new thing is a work in progress, and it is slow and it takes some blood, sweat and tears. It is adding in something while subtracting some others. It is asking the right questions at the right time and being okay with whatever the answers are.
You see designing the life I love is a whole lot of being okay with things when they don’t go as planned. Finding the high road when life comes at you in waves of things that are hard, heartbreaking and amazing all at once. Designing a life you love is realizing that I control very little and trusting in the One who does it control it all.
In the process of all of that and turning 40 this year I am ready to conquer somethings on my list that have been there for way to long. I am giving up on some of the list and throwing them out. But the things that remain I am embracing in a new way, a new passion.
I am seeking the Lord with a new desire to be who he has called me to be- not anyone else. Because anyone else I try to be will not be all that God has called me too.
In the meantime, I struggle with the tension of where I am and where I am going. I wrestle with the tension of is and what will be. I embrace the tension that grows my faith and makes me a better version of myself.
She designed a life she loved…